Victoria is back into a snap 5 day lockdown from 11:59 PM tonight as the dreaded Delta variant cuts a dark swathe through the state. Unconfirmed reports suggests entire streets have been drenched in mucus and school teachers have reported a massive increase in sniffles, bleary eyes and belly aches.
Fortunately, Premier Daniel Andrews is back in the box seat after being bashed for making a pass on a 17 year old girl and is ready to steer his state back to covid normal. At his press conference earlier today he told everybody how happy he is again:
“I didn’t want to announce a lockdown immediately upon my return, although my friends did suggest I should call a snap 24 hour lockdown just for the hell of it as celebration.
“In the end I figured I should just ease back into the job, so now that things have settled in the office I got onto the stats guys, told them to find some covid infections and bang, Bob’s your uncle.”
The Premier announced a stunning new format for his press conferences in 2021:
“I think I did pretty well last year. 100 press conferences in a row is no mean feat, but I can do better. I had a lot of time to think about ways I can build on what I brought to the table last year as my face healed from that walloping.
“For the next five days I will speak for 8 hours straight, each day. It’s going to be huge, there are going to be graphs, diagrams, puppets, I’ll do a little stand up, there will be audience participation, animals, it’ll have the whole shebang.”
The premier was most excited about the appointment of a new sign language lady:
“We have found someone who is biracial, non-heteronormative, she has 13 different disabilities, has undergone 5 separate gender reassignment surgeries, and she weighs over 300 kilograms.
“She ticks all the boxes.”
It’s your XYZ.