The Victorian Altar of Baby Sacrifice


Blow it all up, blow it all down, what a hoot, friends, what a hoot indeed. A hell of a party, a hell of a party this one was. You don’t get parties like this on a whim, darlings. This takes planning, years and years of planning and execution, and then the after party is like a reward, the cherry on the cake if you will, if we’re allowed to have cake or even cherries for that matter. This is the moment, we gotta live in the moment. Pass me another one of those fancy smancy little salmon bites with the curled asparagus tip right on the tippy tippy top. Gee whiz, those are heavenly, absolutely to die for. I could go on eating those all night. And another glass of Tasmanian bubbly to wash it all down; I’ll just take one of those off the serving tray of that delightful young lady. She’s white of course, because these days you can’t have the help to be any other shade except pale since having a darky serve you would guarantee that some moron would whip out their iPhone and snip the pic for eternity.

I say hello to Leigh and Janet, they’re such darlings, worked ever so hard for the campaign, the poor dears had such a time of it trying to identify new disadvantaged groups to whom we could promise to give away other people’s money. Everyone agreed that coming up with the Waranjiki Women’s Yoga Association that has rightfully claimed to have invented yoga almost 40,000 years ago was a stroke of sheer genius. Mind you, I do wish that they hadn’t taken so many close ups of them in yoga pants. The camel pose in particular was a little hard to stomach. And yes, the Indian diaspora got a little cheesed with the news that yoga isn’t their thing anymore, but we’re still letting them bring in to the country these rather alarmingly large families, honestly I don’t know where they find the time to have all of these children, I can barely stomach the idea of Jonathon clambering on top of me more than once in a month. But then, one must do one’s duty.

We certainly don’t have the burden of those hideously large families because we have contraception, and if that fails then we have our god given right of abortion. And that’s where Dan has been just so wonderful for all of us. Samantha’s teenage daughter got herself into a spot of bother, but Sam whisked her down to the clinic and was just dreading the thought of having those awful bible bashers standing there reciting their outdated nonsense and intimidating her daughter who just wanted to get it all over and done with as she had a terribly important university function on that Friday. But when they got to the clinic it was of course completely free of the religious as Dan had legislated so that it’s now illegal in the state of Victoria for god-botherers to stand outside of our precious clinics reciting bible versus and annoying good citizens such as ourselves. He’s just marvelous, absolutely marvelous. I hope he gets here soon.

And Felicity was just showing me the photos of the new solar panels that they’ve had installed on their holiday home down on the Mornington Peninsula. She’s had them placed facing the street, which is a little strange as that’s the side of the property which doesn’t get much sun, but she insisted on it and I can’t really fault her because you have to show people that you’re doing your bit for the environment. Her daughter is studying sociology at Melbourne Uni and she was telling me about how they’re studying the Aztecs and how their professor got the kids to recite an Aztec sacrifice ritual, which is simply fascinating and so marvelously modern, I wish that I had had such wonderful opportunities when I was at Uni. Honestly, the kids today are so lucky. They get to grow up in a beautifully wonderful progressive and modern city and take such interesting courses and then land a plumb role on a government think tank or something similar, I get all worked up just thinking about it, and of course they’re all totally invested with saving the world and putting in more beautiful windmills and solar panels or perhaps working for a clinic and helping women with their right to manage their bodies in the way that they want to, and leading us all is wonderful Dan, and here he is! Finally come to his own celebration party, his latest election victory, and so richly deserved, we are all so lucky to have him to lead us, to help us, to guide us, oh dear, I might have to sit down, I’m positively gushing, just overflowing with emotion right now. I’m so happy, we live in a real paradise and I just want it to go on and on forever, this night, this feeling, we’re on the right side of everything, nothing can stop us now, I just can’t wait to see what Dan comes up with next. Oh, he’s looking at me! He saw me! He smiled! I’ll have to wave at him just a little bit, oh Jonathon’s got that look on his face again, what a bore. Look at him just stuffing those salmon things into his mouth, it’s positively disgusting. I think Samantha’s right about him, I do deserve better, and the kids are old enough now not to be little shits about it. And I want to be happy, or at least more happy, or at least more happy more often, so I need to make choices that are best for me, for what I want, for what I need. Yes, I think I’m decided now, it’s all just going to have to be for the best.

Originally published at Pushing Rubber Downhill. You can purchase Adam’s books here.