Bill Gates condemns fatshaming: Will upload consciousness to Cloud and live forever


After flying half way around the world in a private jet to watch the pureblooded Novak Djokovic win the Australian Open, trillionaire Bill Gates was instantly mocked online for his rotund figure.

One social media troll noted:

“Would you go to a toothless dentist? This guy has been giving the whole world health advice for the last 3 years but he can’t even cook his own meals after his wife left him.”

Another said:

“He actually looks like a donut.”

One user teased:

“Is that Bill Gates or Bill Shorten?”

However, others were more supportive:

“I’m a nonbinary nonverbal body positive first nations person living with a disability and seeing that one of the world’s richest men has a similar figure to my own is very validating for me.”

Gates subsequently conducted a rambling interview in which he condemned the fat shaming of him online as “not fair”. He also boasted that he would have the last laugh:

“At the end of the day, I’ll be the one who’s laughing. My team is only months away from developing the technology which will allow me to upload my consciousness to The Cloud. So it doesn’t matter how fat I get, I’m going to live forever, suckers.”

When probed, Gates admitted that his main motivation for eternal earthly life was “to delay having to meet my maker for as long as possible.” He also claimed he would be able to offset the carbon used to upload his consciousness by composting his body to feed bugs.

The tech magnate confirmed suspicions that he had colluded with Big Tech social media companies to suppress and censor information about him which he didn’t like.

Finally, he responded to criticism regarding his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, insisting to the terrified interviewer that they just had dinner and that was it.

He maintains that he only ate the arm of a small Haitian kid, but he thought it was fake and was going to tell the cops.

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