Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has today conducted a press conference which several eyewitnesses have described as “sickening”, as he announced a snap, 5-day lockdown to commence at midnight tonight.
Victoria’s coronavirus case numbers have hit the magic number of 13, triggering unconfirmed reports of vampire attacks in several government buildings in the Spring Street precinct.
It is understood the Premier took to the stage wearing nothing but a yellow raincoat and gumboots, along with the obligatory mask. Once at the podium he stood silent for about two and a half minutes, although he gently rocked back and forwards. It then took him about 15 minutes to get to the point – Melbourne will go into a stage 4 lockdown starting at 11:59 tonight and lasting until 11:59 Wednesday – after which he let out a very long groan.
The Premier could also be seen sweating profusely, he had flushed cheeks and he licked his lips at regular intervals.
Other measures to stop the spread of the coronavirus include the following:
- Any White woman pregnant with a baby to a White father must get an abortion.
- All White people are to report to their local
death camphappy camp for immediate gassing. - The removal of all statues, artwork or any other imagery depicting White people throughout Victoria.
- Harry Obrien, Adam Goodes and Waleed Aly are to head a new unit tasked with hunting down any White people still at large from 11:59 Sunday evening.
When asked how this would help to combat the coronavirus, the perplexed Premier replied:
“Coronavirus?”
It’s your XYZ.