BREAKING: Daniel Andrews mandates masks to be worn IN THE HOME

The average Victorian, right now. Happy gas mask noises.

In a dramatic 24 hours in Victoria, residents have been forced into a snap 5 day lockdown after reported coronavirus cases passed the magic number of 13. Victorians must wear a mask at all times while outdoors, cannot travel more than five kilometres from their homes, and can only go outdoors to shop, exercise, do essential work or give/receive care.

However, as infection numbers continue to escalate and fresh medical advice comes in, the Victorian DHHS website has updated the requirements Victorians must follow.

It is now mandatory to wear a mask in the home at all times, whether or not you are with family, housemates, intimate partners or alone.

A spokesperson from the Premier’s office has explained the new mandate:

“New information from studies overseas suggests that people are not as rigorous with covid safety when in the home. They think that privacy gives them the right to just do whatever they like because nobody is watching.

“Thankfully, due to technological breakthroughs we can basically monitor people’s every move through visual, audio and digital sensors they have already placed in their homes, and we have powerful enough AI and processing power to back it up. Basically, if you’re doing something wrong, we’re gonna know about it no matter where you are.

“We think it is best that if people are in confined spaces with others that they should be wearing masks, because you never can be too careful. Especially if they’re singing.

“Regarding when people are alone in their own homes, our guidelines make it very clear that you should maintain a 1.5 metre distance from everybody else at all times. Obviously, even when you are alone you are technically within 1.5 metres from yourself, so wearing a mask becomes a no-brainer.”

Asked if people should wear masks while driving vehicles by themselves, the spokesperson was adamant:

“Yes. I don’t know how that is even a question.”

Importantly, the media is fulfilling its role in educating the public and combating dangerous misinformation, with several publications exploring the link between White Supremacy and Home Mask Hesitancy, while another has published an article with the headline, “This covidiot refused to wear a mask indoors: He died in his sleep”.

It’s your XYZ.