In a compelling press conference held this afternoon on the steps of Parliament House, Canberra (which you can view here) American Senator Kristina Keneally has claimed that members of Australia’s extreme far right extremist organisations have developed terrifying new capabilities:
“It has come to my attention through my work with the Inquiry into Extremist Movements and Radicalism in Australia and from searching on the internet, that people can buy drones off the shelf from stores, or order them online. It is possible that an extremist could attach bombs to drones that they have bought off the shelf and maybe use them to endanger the lives of marginalised communities.
“In conclusion, I think that extreme far right extremists might try something like this, so we need to change the law to make the previously law abiding activities of nationalist organisations in Australia illegal.”
When we put it to Keneally that this does not actually comprise any evidence whatsoever and was mere speculation she looked upset and accused us of being nazis, to which we enquired “so, what is your point?”
Keneally went on to detail fears amongst some members of Australia’s intelligence community that the reason nationalist groups go on so many trips to the Aussie bush is because they are conducting a highly experimental program to train small mammals to racially harass foreign tourists on hiking trails.
It is believed these efforts have to date been largely unsuccessful. A Pakistani family in Wilson’s Promontory recently reported that a wombat did a massive fart near their campsite, but investigators have concluded that “that’s just what wombats do.”
A third year university student who did a short internship at DFAT and was tasked with monitoring extreme far right extremist online chatter spoke with The XYZ on the condition of anonymity:
“About 90% of extreme far right extremist online communication is basically just potty humour. At first we thought they were using some kind of ingenious code, but after a while we figured it was just blokes being blokes.”
Keneally concluded her press conference by noting how much she enjoyed the wild wife swapping scene in Canberra, opining that “once you get the taste for human blood, there’s just no going back.” She confirmed reports that Dvir Abramovich calls her nearly every night to get a briefing on the progress of the Inquiry into Extremists Movements and Radicalism in Australia, and “to whine about his feelings”. Elaborating further, Kristina explained:
“He talks for hours and hours, he just won’t shut up. He calls me his shiksa. I don’t know what that means. I think there is something wrong with him.”
It’s your XYZ.