Prince Harry and the British Royal Family are understood to be in a collective state of mixed grief and joy, as they have lost one of their most treasured Sons but regained another.
The death of his grandfather, Prince Phillip the Duke of Edinburgh, has given the excuse Harry needed to escape the demonic clutches of his wife, Meghan Markle. Several media outlets have reported Harry as saying “You would not believe the things she made me do.”
A royal insider told The XYZ that doctor’s advice to Meghan to avoid aeroplane travel, meaning she would have to stay in America and miss the funeral, was a ruse by Meghan to provide another passive aggressive snub to the Royal Family. However Harry, who refers to his wife as a “dumb bitch” anticipated this move, and simply made the necessary arrangements to ensure that once out of her orbit, he would never have to return.
This is the longest Meghan has ever allowed Harry to leave her side for several years, and the slightly African witch is believed to be in a state of hysteria. The XYZ has gained access to exclusive footage of Meghan sending off her minions to return her captive:
Communications suggest that these flying monkeys were dealt with swiftly by RAF fighters. The XYZ has been unable to confirm gossip that Prince Harry has stated “I never want to set my eyes on a nigger again”.
We are also investigating rumours that a large concentration of Challenger Tanks has amassed to the rear of Buckingham Palace, and that a wall of steel is being hastily erected around Parliament and Number 10.
It’s your XYZ.