BREAKING: Daniel Andrews announces new coronavirus safety advice


At a press conference today Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews announced a new list of measures the Labor government will be requesting Victorians follow to keep us safe from Coronavirus. Victorians who do not comply with said requests will face a $200 fine.

Regarding general public behaviour, the Premier has requested:

“Whenever two people come across each other walking in opposite directions on the footpath, we request that one person moves to their right while the other moves to their left, then the first person moves to their left while the other moves to their right. Repeat this ritual as many times as you see fit, laugh awkwardly, then go about your business.“

For small public gatherings and Zoom meetings:

“We have discovered in the last decade the importance of burning gumleaves at the beginning of every meeting in order to appease the spirits of aboriginal elders past, present and future. We have recently discovered a similar magic ritual which will protect us from the coronavirus. It goes as follows:

“Pat your head while you rub your belly and say “Bumblewumblepoodleprittlepattle”. Next, pirouette clockwise on your right foot three times. Finally, recite the national anthem of Bolivia backwards in Arabic.”

The Premier concluded with the following:

“War is peace, up is down, and staying apart keeps us together. This morning I smelled my own fart, I caught the whiff of curried beans. Also, from Friday evening, all residents of Greater Melbourne will be required to hand their children over to state authorities when Community Cohesion Representatives come knocking at their door. We don’t think this is too much to ask.”

It’s your XYZ.