Exclusive: Nick Kyrgios named ‘Australian of the Year’


In a leaked document from the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet, XYZ has learned that Nick Kyrgios is to be named the next Australian of the Year.

Over the last few years there has been a decisive shift in the selection criteria for the top Aussie award, reflecting similar changes to the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Once upon a time th734px-Nick_Kyrgios_(18614670813)e Nobel prize for peace was awarded to those who had actually made a significant contribution to peace and harmony among the peoples of the world. Now, the peace prize is has become the necessary accoutrement for tyrants that the world hopes will turn good, the rich celebrity activist, or awarded to United States presidents that we hope will bring about peace and stability but actually bring about the opposite in their homeland and abroad.

In the past, the Australian of the Year award was given to exemplars of patriotic and self-sacrificial service to one’s nation, and a person with whom Australians could be united in mateship and fraternal love.

Not so since the appointment of Professor Tim Flannery and Adam Goodes. Sectarianism, community division and disharmony are now the key selection criteria for the highest Australian honour.

Runners up to Nick Kyrgios include:

  • Julian Assange,
  • Julia Gillard, and
  • Prince Philip.

    It’s the XYZ.