Abortionist concerned about US Supreme Court ruling turns to drowning puppies


The fallout from the leak of a document revealing that the US Supreme Court may overturn Roe vs Wade is spreading across America. Abortionists are expressing deep concern that their industry may not survive, and have described the desire by pro-lifers to destroy their livelihoods as “cruel and heartless”.

One abortionist spoke with XYZ News:

“I don’t think religious fundamentalists have really thought through the consequences of what will happen if the Supreme Court rules that it is unconstitutional for me to murder babies for a living. I have several children through several partners. My wage feeds them. If my income suffers as a result of a ruling by the Court, this will affect their quality of life.

“Please, won’t somebody think of the children?”

Several abortionists have committed suicide since the leak, meaning that debate over the issue has already taken a very human toll. The doctor who contacted XYZ News stated that he, like many other professionals in his field, is now moonlighting to make ends meet:

“On weekends for a little while I was helping out at a gender affirmation clinic on the other side of town. Sadly, chopping penises off little boys didn’t quite give me the same rush as taking a human life inside the womb. The knowledge that they had only a fifty per cent chance of an untimely death was to too small a payoff for my psychopathy.

“I missed the crunch of bones.

“That’s why I have taken to drowning puppies on the weekends. It’s like I have discovered a new side of myself, so on the whole I think this has been a good experience for me.”

However, the abortionist expressed a longer term concern for his industry:

“Look, we know that all this decision would mean, if it does strike down Roe vs Wade, is that abortion would be legal in fewer states rather than illegal nationwide. We would kick up a stink about how more of us were competing for business in a smaller geographical area, and the unfair impact on women’s access to healthcare..

“One feminist NGO is already looking at a bus service to help women from red states travel cheaply to get abortions in blue states, so it is good to see there is some wise strategic planning going on.

“Our biggest concern is the message that the overturning of Roe vs Wade would send to potential mothers. We can wax lyrical about constitutional matters all we want, but at the end of the day if the decision is struck down, it would give people the impression that murdering babies is somehow wrong.

“This would be very bad for business.”

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David has studied history and political science at Melbourne University. His thesis was written on how the utilisation of Missile Defence can help to achieve nuclear disarmament. His interest in history was piqued by playing a flight simulator computer game about the Battle of Britain, and he hopes to one day siphon the earnings from his political writings into funding the greatest prog-rock concept album the world has ever seen.