One and Free: ScoMo convinced activists will never demand anything ever again

I just shoved a pineapple up my bum.

The Australian government today announced that one word in the Australian national anthem will be changed. “Young” and free has been changed to “one” and free. Just moments ago, Prime Minister Scott Morrison addressed the nation. You can view the footage here.

The transcript follows:

My fellow Australians, today, January 1, 2020, marks the date that Australia finally came together and solved all its problems by changing one word in our national anthem.

Several dozen Marxist activists in Melbourne’s inner north have been triggered by the word “young” and they keep emailing me and saying nasty things about me on the internet. I have this problem where I really, really, really, really, really want to be liked by everyone, so I figure that if I give in they will stop picking on me.

So I am proud to announce that the phrase “young and free” will from henceforth be changed to “one and free”.

This fulfils several important goals.

Firstly, I believe it is important that we as Australians keep lying to ourselves that diversity is our strength. Obviously it’s not. We’re basically just an unstable mess of different ethnicities all living in the one spot and sooner or later things are just going to explode. But if we can convince ourselves that we are actually “one” we should be able to hold things off just long enough that it doesn’t tarnish my own legacy.

Secondly, to protect my legacy it is vital that we sell out our people’s history, tradition, culture, and everything that makes us who we are. Our heritage as Australians of British descent means we have a history that goes back thousands of years. Our ancestors colonised this continent and made it our home. Their generations conquered the entire globe. We go back further and we find that we descend from Vikings, Angles, Saxons and Celts. We go back further again and we can trace our legacy to the fall of Troy.

To say that we are “young” and free implies that we are the newest iteration of this patriarchal, racist, imperialist legacy in a new land. Changing “young” to “one” thus means it is harder for people to call us nazis.

Finally, I would like to assure Australians that making this announcement on January 1 – Federation Day – in no way signals our intent to trash our legacy further by returning Australia Day to the date modern Australia was founded, so as to avoid celebrating the day our ancestors rightfully invaded and conquered this land.

Right, I’d better be off now to make a chicken vindaloo for my wife’s boyfriend, Tyrone. Happy New Year everybody.

In related news, scientists have discovered evidence which suggests that aboriginal civilisation stretches back even further than first thought – several billion years in fact – possibly making their lineage older than Earth itself. It is now believed that aboriginals were a space faring race who came to Earth in a giant spaceship which they parked in the middle of the Aussie desert when Earth was still a mass of molten lava. It got stuck there when the missus tried to do a parallel park, and the aborigines have been stuck here ever since.

Cut off from their home planet, believed to be somewhere inside the Andromeda galaxy, they have steadily degenerated, but hold their reverence to their mothership, Ayers Rock, buried in the mists of time and layer upon layer of myths about giant snakes and witchety grubs.

It’s your XYZ.