Daniel Andrews and the Great Tomato Massacre of 2020


It is with great pride that The XYZ can report that Daniel Andrews’ finest warriors have defended Melbourne from a diabolical conspiracy which centred on the Queen Victoria Market.

A small but dangerous groups of neo-nazi white supremacists is believed to have been planning to inject fruit sold in the Queen Victoria Market, just north of Melbourne’s CBD, with a lethal strand of coronavirus which had been developed in a laboratory in Box Hill.

Had these racists succeeded in their bigoted plan, it is understood that an unstoppable torrent of genetically modified tomatoes could have rolled all the way down to Spring Street. The XYZ has obtained exclusive footage of the carnage committed en route along Bourke Street.

Fortunately the riot squad were sent in to protect citizens, with warriors bravely forming protective formations around helpless civilians.

Once the advance of the killer tomatoes had been halted just outside the main entrance to Myer, the riot squad prepared to storm the epicentre of the outbreak at the Vic Market. Tragically many humans had been possessed by said killer tomatoes, such as the man filmed below.

An officer was forced to take a knee on one possessed human’s neck. Fortunately he was neither black nor on Fentanyl, so there is no need to reorder our entire civilisation to pander to the whims of minorities whipped into a frenzy by Marxist Jews.

This footage shows the undead chanting “freedom”, believed to be German for “if stories about a skull crusher, a rollercoaster of death, and being turned into soap and lampshades were deliberate fabrications, perhaps a gas chamber disguised as a shower block is a little far fetched, too”.

Once inside, the riot squad formed up for the final assault on the hardcore band of holocaust denying, neo-nazi white supremacist, killer tomato possessed humans, who taunted state troopers with cries of “chicken”.

Sadly, an entire stall of bananas was squashed in the ensuing battle. Eyewitnesses described the scene as “hilarious”. Many baby peas are reported to have been traumatised. The human terrorists were initially detained, then released after being cured and flogged with wet lettuce.

Later a nonchalant police officer told The XYZ:

“It was never really a contest. Frankly, we made minced meat of them.”

In conclusion, here is footage of Victoria Police stomping on a guy’s head for no reason.

It’s your XYZ.