Assistant Commissioner Luke “Fatty” Cornelius scoffs 57 donuts during press conference


Obese Assistant Commissioner Luke Cornelius waddled into a press conference on Thursday carrying enough KFC to feed 20 people. It was gone by the time he started speaking. Here is the footage of said press conference.

Wait that’s not it. We’ll chase it up for you. Anyway, here is an account of what he said. It is understood he didn’t even bother to wipe the chicken grease off his face.

From the Australian:

A high-ranking Victoria Police officer, whose stunning take-down of the “tin foil hat brigade” conspiracists went viral last week, has revealed why he went to town on anti-lockdown protesters.

Straight-talking Assistant Commissioner Luke Cornelius won plenty of fans a week ago with a pointed description of conspiracy theorists organising an illegal protest against Victoria’s tough lockdown measures.

“They’re taking every opportunity to leverage the current situation to serve their ridiculous notions about so-called sovereign citizens, about constitutional issues and about how 5G is going to kill your grandkids,” he said of the protesters last Friday.

“I mean it’s just crazy, it’s batsh*t crazy nonsense.”

”Why won’t you answer my calls anymore, Magda Szubanski? Don’t you understand I don’t handle rejection very well?”

Ok I think I have the footage:

Nope, that’s not it. On with the Oz piece:

Asked on Thursday if he believed his take-down had achieved its aims, Mr Cornelius said he had one goal with the now famous media conference.

“I wanted to achieve one thing last week and that was cut through,” he said.

”I’m hungry.”

Let’s try this again:

Blast. Continue:

“To leave people in no doubt where the police stood because I have listened over the last couple of months with growing concern as the commentariat and the dilettante hobbyists have carried on about what the police should and shouldn’t have done.

”The other night I covered myself in peanut butter and got my dog to lick it off. But then my dog got sick so I had to finish the job myself.”

“The key piece here is absolute clarity in my message. Don’t leave home to protest, don’t be selfish and don’t allow people to exploit people’s fears and concerns.”

Okay, this one’s it I swear:

Where is it? Perhaps I should ask Matty:

Mr Cornelius was again on song on Thursday when he issued a second plea for Victorians planning to protest on Saturday to back down.

Unfortunately, he said, police believed the protest was still scheduled to proceed on Saturday at various locations in the CBD.

He said police were “outraged” that people still thought it was a good idea to leave home and protest during a deadly global pandemic.

”Sometimes I like to melt an entire tub full of lard and hop in. Then I let it set, so the only way I can get up again is by eating my way out.

“What we’re dealing with here is a hardcore group of people who blatantly are refusing to follow the directions and are blatantly encouraging others not to do so,” Mr Cornelius said.

Maybe it’s this one:

Still no.

“I said a few other things last week, and you know, that’s gone viral I understand, but the key thing here is it’s about selfishness.

“I would, as I did last week, urge people for just once to think about other people. Hey is that a sponge cake?

“Think about your grandparents, think about the most vulnerable in our community, who have the highest risk factor in terms of exposure to this deadly virus, and consider your role in keeping those people safe.

“By all means, be the keyboard warrior, fat shame me as much as you want, but the key thing here is stay at home, don’t leave home to protest.”

Here it is. You get to watch him scoff 57 donuts as he chomps his way through the conference. Count ‘em.

The assistant commissioner also confirmed reports that an exact replica of the Auschwitz death camp has been constructed at the Calder Park Raceway where thought criminals will be processed.

“Wrongthinkers will actually find their stay a pleasant experience. Everybody is given a shower upon entry and their clothes are burned in order to ensure no coronavirus pathogens enter the camp. Inmates’ uniforms have been donated by the Collingwood Football Club.

“Amenities include a swimming pool, theatre, orchestra, and even a rollercoaster.”

In completely unrelated news, Premier Daniel Andrews has announced the establishment of a soap factory in Bacchus Marsh and a lampshade assembly plant in Ballarat.

According to the premier, “These projects will ensure we can keep the Victorian economy rolling during these difficult times. Jailing political prisoners keeps us together.

It’s your XYZ.