New Coronavirus Restrictions: All Victorian Men Must Cut Their Penis Off

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As Victoria struggles with the coronavirus crisis, the Daniel Andrews government continues to lead the world in protecting its citizens against the ravages of the killer virus.  In a press conference this morning the Premier announced the latest measure:

“It is my duty to inform Victorians of another innovative Mandatory Suggestion we must all follow to keep safe.  From 8:00 am this morning all people who identify as having a penis must have it removed.  We don’t think this is too much to ask to keep us safe.  It is a simple procedure that can be administered by your local GP or fishmonger.”

Asked if he would be leading the way as he has with wearing a face mask:

“I have already seen my GP this morning.  He took one look down there and told me a procedure would not be necessary, although he couldn’t stop looking at my ears.  I’m not sure how I feel about that yet.”

Victorians caught flouting the new Mandatory Suggestion will face stiff penalties:

“Victorians breaching this new Mandatory Suggestion will incur a fine of $1346.87, plus a further $1532.94 if found without a face mask, and $2831.62 if found more than 4.8 km from home without a valid reason or Permitted Worker’s Working Permit Permit (this distance has recently been updated in accordance with advice from the Chief Health Officer).

“While we didn’t consider it necessary to utilise the ADF to assist with hotel quarantine for coronavirus patients, we have accepted the ADF’s offer to help in door knocking random Victorians’ homes.  People found upon home inspection with their penises still attached to their bodies will have them forcibly removed, all while following proper social distancing regulations, of course.”

The news has been welcomed by normies and boomers on Facebook, who have responded to footage of people objecting to having their penis cut off with comments such as “If you don’t resist, the police won’t be forced to choke you while they cut your penis off.”  It is understood that the hashtag #JustGetTheChop has been trending on Twitter.

Buzzfeed has published an article titled “13 reasons why it still is NOT OK to manspread in Melbourne”, while the Huffington Post published a piece titled “This Karen denies that chopping his penis off will make us safer. When he called the police on us when we went to his parents’ house, we got the police to arrest him instead.”

Asked if there would be any exemptions to the new Mandatory Suggestion, Daniel Andrews stated:

“Obviously, only Anglos will be expected to undergo the procedure.”

Asked if that included Jews, Andrews responded:

“Jews ain’t Anglo.”

Asked for specifics on how chopping off one’s penis would protect the community from the coronavirus, the Premier looked puzzled:

“Coronavirus?”

It’s your XYZ.

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David Hiscox
David has studied history and political science at Melbourne University. His thesis was written on how the utilisation of Missile Defence can help to achieve nuclear disarmament. His interest in history was piqued by playing a flight simulator computer game about the Battle of Britain, and he hopes to one day siphon the earnings from his political writings into funding the greatest prog-rock concept album the world has ever seen.