Melbourne installs Diversity Protection System for New Year’s Eve


Melbourne authorities have installed a Diversity Protection System (DPS) in the CBD to warn revellers against Random Acts of Violence by the Mentally Unstable (RAVMUs) this New Year’s Eve, and into the future. The XYZ spoke to a senior figure in the Victorian government about the boosted security:

XYZ: What is the main purpose of the DPS?

VicGov: To protect our diversity in the unlikely event of a RAVMU occurring. Obviously, we have a great deal of empathy for the mentally unstable, but we can’t allow them to threaten our diversity, because diversity is our strength.

XYZ: How will the DPS protect our diversity?

VicGov: In the unlikely event of a RAVMU occurring, loudspeakers will blare “Run away! Run away!” all over the CBD, interspersed with the message “This has nothing to do with diversity!”

XYZ: Are the large number of heavily armed police deployed throughout the CBD intended to protect our diversity as well?

VicGov: Yes, but in addition they are there so we can praise the swift response of emergency services in the unlikely event of a RAVMU. Our emergency services generally attract the most competent and patriotic Australians to serve and protect the Australian people. Given that government tends to attract the least competent and patriotic, we need these brave men to make it look like we give a stuff about the average Aussie.

XYZ: Are there any additional procedures in place to protect our diversity?

VicGov: Obviously, it is standard procedure to rule out terrorism as the cause of a RAVMU at the earliest possible juncture, preferably at the first contact between any government official or employee and the media. From there, we seek access to a RAVMU’s personal and medical history so we can declare them mentally unstable as soon as possible.

XYZ: Thank you for your time.

VicGov: You’re welcome. Happy Holidays.

Photo by PreciousBytes