Death by Chopstick


712b348285e60e89001d0fcd457038c3b37c363144645e51b8a127f2e77b6a95The AFL and the Richmond Football Club have launched an urgent investigation into the conduct of star player Dustin Martin, who was apparently so pissed on the Chapel Street nightclub strip over the weekend, he threatened a woman with a chopstick.

Whilst there has not been a death by chopstick recorded in Australia this year, there is no doubt the chopstick is a potentially lethal weapon, especially when sharpened on an especially hard piece of salt and pepper calamari. Near misses have also been recorded by patrons who become aggressively hostile following repeated failed attempts to eat the sweet and sour pork with special fried rice (No. 93 on the menu at my local). Such aggression is usually, however, directed at staff, rather than fellow patrons.

Luckily for Dustin Martin, the Richmond Football Club, the AFL, and the future of humankind in general, a quick thinking passer-by was able to disarm the footballer of the lethal chopstick and render it unusable, even as the heavily armed Swat team moved in and the bomb squad called for. The chopstick was soon cordoned off by police tape on the busy street whilst the forensic team moved in and a crime scene was established. The near miss has led to the proposal of a buy back scheme in this morning’s left wing press and calls for a crackdown on the purchase of unlawful sawn-off chopsticks via certain shady internet sites, and on e-bay.

By morning the worse case scenario had eventuated – the woman threatened with death by chopstick had called in to register a complaint. The AFL are considering a public education campaign, and perhaps dedicating a round of the 2016 season to the correct use of utensils. Dustin Martin can now expect a very large fine that will reduce him to eating boiled rice for the foreseeable future – with a (plastic) fork.

Source: Dustin Martin apologises after threatening woman with chopstick