After announcing yesterday that all Victorians will be moved to death camps, Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has made another stunning and brave announcement which should help bring unprecedented levels of accessibility to his administration. The Premier spoke to The XYZ:
“My press conferences are already the most inclusive in the world. Victoria really is a world leader in this regard. At the start of every speech we burn gumleaves in genuflection to people of aboriginality, and kneel in silence for 8 minutes and 46 seconds in worship of Saint Floyd. We have recently included a request that all journalists hold up their fist in a black power salute for the entire 8 minutes and 46 seconds. Those who can’t keep their fist up the entire time are shot on sight. Obviously, myself and my staff can’t be expected to do this, we are more equal than others, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask of journalists. It has generally meant that I don’t have to worry about hacks asking pesky questions about hotel quarantine any more. Someone just comes in, puts the camera on and makes a quick exit.
“Anyway, I found myself wondering if this really is enough. Then I thought about the fact that we always have those silly sign language people carrying on for the visually impaired. We even have an interchange bench, because for health and safety reasons no sign language person can be expected to interpret my drivel for more than three minutes at a time. But is this really a true reflection of the diversity of our community, especially of the otherwise abled? I mean, it’s the current year and subtitles just don’t cut it any more.
“This is why I am proud to announce today that my administration will be adding a person to help the hard of hearing understand what I am saying in every one of my speeches. We will be trialing it this afternoon. I have asked one of the interns to yell really loudly everything I say immediately after I have said it. We have an au pair from Germany lined up for the trial, I’m really looking forward to it. This way, Otherwise Audible People, or OAP’s, won’t have to adjust the volume on their televisions. This is often a cause of shame and stigma for OAP’s who have to ask their friends to turn up the telly.
“If successful, we will hire somebody to do the job on a permanent basis. Obviously, we are looking for someone who truly reflects the diversity of the Victorian community, because you know, this is about visibility. If you’re not thrusting images of the otherwise abled into people’s faces at every opportunity, people might forget that they exist. So the qualifications we are looking for are as follows: We are looking for a person of colour with a cervix, who has some kind of disability, a university degree, preferably in the arts, who despite their economic and physical disadvantages has managed to rise to a position of influence through their superior ability to manipulate others via guilt tripping with regard to their perceived disadvantage, yet still faces systematic oppression every day of their lives, and likes to speak in a loud, overbearing voice to anyone in the vicinity.
“If you think you possess these qualifications, we reckon you’ll fit right in here in the Victorian government because it’s the current year.”
It’s your XYZ.