Daniel Andrews denies he’s evil: “I just have bitch resting face”


Daniel Andrews has today responded to concerns that he is a sociopath, by assuring Victorians that despite hundreds of photos of him which appear to show nothing but pure malice written all over his face, he holds nothing love for all mankind.

This is normal.

The Premier reassured voters:

“I know my face may come across as a little scary to some people, but you see the thing is, this is my normal face.”

After insisting that he is simply misunderstood, Andrews stated:

“Trust me, I’m not evil.”

I’m really glad you asked that question. I am so sick and tired of all this negativity about all the people starving to death in Victoria.

“I just have bitch resting face.

“I know it appears that I am utterly twisted by evil, that the terror in my heart at what awaits me in the afterlife is written unmistakably across my entire body, but this is just me. This is normal.

”I am happy.”

In his defence, it must be understood that Daniel Andrews thought he looked playful in this photo.

The Victorian Premier also claimed that he has given up trying to smile, as it makes him look like a complete retard.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t smile, I am physically incapable of not looking like an underwear snatcher when I try to smile, so I stopped. You’re just going to have to live with my axe murderer face.”

The Premier insisted that he is just an ordinary guy:

“I like to walk my dog, spend time with my family, go to the footy. Like a lot of high profile people, I like to drink a little human blood from time to time.”

“And I mean, yeah, some people might have some photos of me in a compromising position. But hey the leader of the free world says it could happen to anybody, so I figure I’m in good company”

“But to suggest that I’m being blackmailed into committing unspeakable evil because I allowed myself to get snapped doing things which may be considered a little, how shall I put this, satanic? Now we’re getting into the field of conspiracy theory.

”Hey is this thing on?”

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David has studied history and political science at Melbourne University. His thesis was written on how the utilisation of Missile Defence can help to achieve nuclear disarmament. His interest in history was piqued by playing a flight simulator computer game about the Battle of Britain, and he hopes to one day siphon the earnings from his political writings into funding the greatest prog-rock concept album the world has ever seen.