AFL may force people to watch Women’s Football

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Some people vaguely recollect that the Women’s AFL Grand Final was played this week somewhere in Australia.

Only a handful could tell you who played, or who won. This is because nobody cares about women’s football.

Boring.

The AFL has decided this just isn’t good enough. A spokesperson for the AFL, Bisadrawan Pirandapu spoke exclusively to The XYZ on the matter. We couldn’t understand a word he said, so the AFL sent another spokesperson, Jane Hill, who spoke a lot of gibberish about “post-colonialism”, “othering” and “intersectionality”. As such, “she” was just as unintelligible as the first spokesperson, so the AFL put out a statement which despite being riddled with newspeak, a vague impression of the English language was somewhat discernible:

The AFL is very proud of its efforts to make football more accessible to women and other minorities. Every news outlet has followed to the letter the contractual obligation that they mention AFLW in every single sports report. We have stacked our coverage of AFLM with female hosts, boundary riders and analysts to serve as a gateway to the women’s game.

Furthermore we have spent millions pumping propaganda down the throats of young impressionable Aussie schoolgirls that although they should never have children because of the damage it could do to their bodies, they should definitely risk serious breast injuries playing AFLW because equality.

Courtesy of Fuck the ABC.

However, the low crowd numbers at this week’s AFLW Grand Final was a last straw. Frankly we are disgusted with the latent sexism in Australian society which caused this to happen.

Encouragingly, the government and media response to the covid pandemic offers a proactive solution to the continued problematic nature of reality. Together the Government Media Industrial Complex has demonstrated that public opinion and common sense need not be a barrier to the world we want to create.

Thus we have devised a three stage plan to improve AFLW viewership:

Stage 1: Public Shaming

Camera crews will be stationed at the gates of AFLM venues in order to film interrogations of all patrons regarding whether they have been to a women’s footy match. Any member of the public demonstrating AFLW hesitancy will have their face displayed on newspapers, public affairs and comedy TV shows.

In extreme cases, AFLW deniers will have their workplace, residential address and kids’ schools publicly doxxed.

Stage 2: No AFLW, No AFLM

If public shaming and defamation doesn’t work, stricter measures can be enforced. All AFLM patrons will be required to display proof that they have been to an AFLW game in the last 12 months. They will be asked the date, venue, which teams played, the final score, and to name the key position players of each side.

If you can’t answer these simple questions, no entry. No negotiations will be entered into.

Stage 3: Make AFLW Mandatory Viewing

It is of course possible that faced with this requirement Australians will simply boycott the AFL altogether. Again, the government’s approach to the covid vaccine has shown us the way here. If we can’t force people to watch AFLW by making life unbearable, we will simply use force.

Inspired by the 1973 science fiction movie Soylent Green, dozens of ‘scoops’  could be used to deposit public transport patrons in Melbourne and Sydney at AFLW venues.

Soylent Green (1973) – Riot Control from Clips do Zé on Vimeo.

It’s your XYZ.

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David Hiscox
David has studied history and political science at Melbourne University. His thesis was written on how the utilisation of Missile Defence can help to achieve nuclear disarmament. His interest in history was piqued by playing a flight simulator computer game about the Battle of Britain, and he hopes to one day siphon the earnings from his political writings into funding the greatest prog-rock concept album the world has ever seen.