Canberra is in a flutter this week as all the same pollies who clutched their pearls at the thought of a seven shot Adler contemplate a proposal to commercially import 35,000 Ten Shot Mossberg 930 JM Pro shotguns by none other than everyone’s favourite alpha male rugby player turned beta male Cultural Marxist, Peter FitzSimons.
It’s an unusual business proposal from a man who has a pathological hatred and phobia of any firearm that isn’t being levelled at civilians by Che Guevara and his revolutionaries, but the logic is sound as FitzSimons explains it, and consistent with everything else he does to make a quid.
“Hey, I’ve always loathed Australian pride and all of those who feel it,” he explained, clad in a khaki bandanna rather than the usual red one as he addressed the media. “But that hasn’t stopped me from making a s— ton of money writing about our proud Australian history for a bunch of old white Australian males that I blame for all of the world’s ills except around Father’s Day when I call a truce so that all the people I loathe can pick up my latest release full of stirring sentiments that I have no belief in whatsoever.”
FitzSimons went on further to explain that he’s made a career out of doing things that he pretends to be on board with but finds personally repulsive. He gave up his dream of becoming a perennial university student and paid protester to pursue a more lucrative career representing Australia in Rugby Union. When Fidel Castro himself offered FitzSimons an attractive offer to be the face of Air Cuba that included citizenship and a dirt floored hut sixteen miles out of Havana, he opted for a more lucrative offer with Air New Zealand. When then fledgling journalist Waleed Aly hit on him, instead of following his heart FitzSimons realised that it would be better for his career to marry commercial television breadwinner Lisa Wilkinson.
Exciting times are ahead if the Mossberg importation is approved. “You can expect me to attack this with the same hypocritical gusto I’ve approached everything in my life with,” the fake media columnist told XYZ. “The business plan is exactly the same as that of my books. Spend the month before Father’s Day aggressively selling every last one of them, then spend the next eleven months telling the customers how despicable and deplorable they are for being interested in that stuff, and that they should be ashamed of themselves and their country for all their ancestors’ accomplishments. For example, the Snowy River scheme was evil because what if Indigenous Australians were thinking about doing it a bit later on? You robbed them of it with your damn Greek and Italian privilege! Then rinse and repeat. If it ain’t broke…”
Photo by simonov 
