Scientists warn record breaking El Niño will kill us all!


A bearded scientist, who has been in regular contact with The XYZ, has told us that he and his colleagues are expecting a record breaking El Niño over the Pacific Ocean this summer:

‘All our computer models suggest, with a high degree of certainty, that this record breaking El Niño will wipe out all human life on the planet as we know it.’

Asked if it would kill all ‘life’ the bearded scientist assured us:

‘No, only human life. Gaia Theory suggests that the earth understands, as do we, that humanity is the greatest parasite it has ever seen, and that without us, the earth would be a lot happier. It would be unfair to all other life if it were to be extinguished along with us. Thus, a record breaking El Niño which kills only humans is quite humane, really.’

The XYZ cannot substantiate reports that several large spaceships have been built to escort those deemed ideologically pure to safety outside the Earth’s atmosphere for the next few months. However, some gossip suggests that since since the going price for a ticket has been in Euros, the chances of being able to buy one’s way to salvation have greatly increased.

When asked if praying might be of some use, the scientist informed us that that is considered racist, unless exempt by cultural or religious practices.

Footage of the interview can be seen below.

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David has studied history and political science at Melbourne University. His thesis was written on how the utilisation of Missile Defence can help to achieve nuclear disarmament. His interest in history was piqued by playing a flight simulator computer game about the Battle of Britain, and he hopes to one day siphon the earnings from his political writings into funding the greatest prog-rock concept album the world has ever seen.