Sources close to The XYZ have confirmed that Russian special forces, led personally by Russian President Vladimir Putin, captured the legendary Holy Grail yesterday in a surprise raid on an Islamic State stronghold somewhere in Syria.
It is understood that the moment Putin received intelligence on the discovery of the Holy Grail by IS fighters, and their plan to video-tape the destruction of the sacred object, he teleported himself to the front-line in Syria. He killed 57 Daesh fighters during the raid with his own, personally constructed lightsabre, before flying (yes, he can fly, too) back to Moscow.
It has also been reported that he improved crop growth by 20% in Russian held areas of Ukraine on his flight back, as he was able to improve sunlight effectiveness by 38%, by shining the sun out of his own arse.
The XYZ was able to secure a short, abortive interview with the Messiah.. sorry, President:
XYZ: “Mr Putin, thank you for sparing your time to talk with The XYZ.”
Putin: “Stupid Atlanticist Antipodeans. Now that I control the Middle East, I can flood Europe with even more migrants and raise the price of oil to $300 a barrel… wait, is this thing on….”
It’s your XYZ.
(Photo attribution: Kremlin.ru [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
