Breaking: George Lucas remasters The Phantom Menace to make it less crap


5298In breaking news, The XYZ can reveal that in the lead up to the new Star Wars movie, The Force Awakens, due out on December 17, 2015, he will be releasing digitally remastered versions of The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. The eccentric film maker, made famous in recent times by ruining the genius of his youth by adding needless late 90’s computer graphic to 70’s and 80’s era films, has reached the following logical conclusion:

“I realised that if I can make a good film bad by adding better but unneeded graphics, I can make a bad film good by adding scale models.”

Lucas and his crew have tediously recreated scale models of the spaceships used in The Phantom Menace over the last five years, and edited them into film to make the battle scenes and pod racing more realistic. For the rest of the film which isn’t battle scene related, the footage, dialogue and music have been edited to go 50% faster. Says Lucas, “We felt it just had more momentum and life that way.”

Critics who have been given access to advanced screenings say that the film is now “watchable.”

As for Attack of the Clones, the movie’s epic battle scenes have been left unmolested. However, the grating romantic scenes between Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala have reportedly been replaced by out-takes of Han Solo and Princess Leia bickering. Furthermore, a small amount of digital editing has been used on Padmé Amidala, in order to expose 27% more of her midriff when her top is torn by the Nexu during her failed execution in Petranaki Arena, shortly before the First Battle of Geonosis.

No changes are planned or required for Revenge of the Sith. In related news, court proceedings are expected to start next week to decide the validity of a restraining order Disney have placed on George Lucas going within 5 kilometres of The Force Awakens.