Football Fan sues Catholic Church for public shame and humiliation

Since we’re doing offence and humiliation in such a big way now, I’ve decided to make a claim myself under a little known clause of my State’s anti-discrimination legislation.

I have the misfortune to be a supporter of Newcastle United in the English Premier League, and whilst heartened by the recent 2-2 draw with Chelsea, I continue to suffer social shame and humiliation at the present position of Newcastle United on the Premier League ladder, caused by inept and insipid performances in recent weeks against much lesser opponents with far less impressively fanatical support.

Recently, whilst attempting to assuage my shame and humiliation with pints of Newcastle Brown Ale, I was the subject of cruel taunting among a group of Sunderland supporters seated nearby. On the train, returning home, I was conscious that an older lady, upon seeing me enter the carriage in a Newcastle United shirt, got up and left her seat in a rather too quick and obvious way. Later, that night, my girlfriend appeared on Geordie Shore, and my public shame and humiliation was complete.

If transgender Greens candidates can now sue Roman Catholic Bishops for hurting their feelings, I am confident I will have a strong case. Newcastle United fans have certainly suffered plentiful offence and humiliation at St James Park this season. In fact, our Captain even looks like a transgender Greens candidate. How much can the Toon Army bear!

Clearly the Catholic Church are to blame for this state of affairs. Where do I sign to bring on my pro bono, no win no fee, test case?