Inner-city Melbourne has descended into the abyss, according to sources close to The XYZ, after a national Bonsoy shortage has thrown hipsters and vegans into hysterics.
One brave XYZ reporter who visited the epicentre in Fitzroy spoke to one 30-something university student:
“I tried coconut milk as a substitute, but, well, it was just different.”
Naturally, millions of dollars damage have been inflicted since early yesterday.
It is believed that the strong concentration of Chinese students in the city centre have borne the brunt of the mob’s rage, with one witness describing the scene as being like “a mass of docile lemmings being mauled by an army of effete zombies.” Chinese state media has described it as “almost as bad as those racist posters at Monash University.”
Transport unions have unsurprisingly taken the opportunity to cancel most services, making it nigh impossible for survivors to get away from the horror. The XYZ has obtained this exclusive footage, believed to have been filmed near Jolimont:
Many Bothans died to bring us this information. Our source tells us:
“Melbourne, the city centre, the old traditional suburbs surrounding the CBD, it’s all gone man. We’re never getting it back. It’s game over man, game over.”
The Federal government has declared a state of emergency, and is considering the following option:
Photo by That Irish SOB 