We will never go to Mars


I’d like to address one of the ‘memes’ that is going around. This is where someone gets a picture of a gay male or leftist at a rally or a pride march. Superimposed on the image are the words, “We are never going to Mars.” Here are a few quote unquote ‘examples’. TRIGGER WARNING.

Meme created by unknown future 18C defendant.
Meme created by unknown future 18C defendant.
Meme created by unknown future 18C defendant.

All the the authors of the above ought to be jailed at once for insulting. But beefing up 18C is a topic for another time. Right now we are talking about Mars.

The idea of the meme, apparently, is that the Left is a bunch of effeminate, whiny, selfish, virtue-signalling, nihilistic lotus eaters who have neither the passion nor drive nor concentration to fulfil a great quest like putting human beings on Mars.

The cries of privileged white men! “Boo-hoo, we’re never going to Mars!” “Boo-hoo, the dreams we had as boys in the 70s and 80s are never going to be realised!” Well I for one am GLAD we are never going to send humans to Mars! How do you like that? (And I’ll take non-toxic effeminacy over toxic masculinity any day, too! It’s so much safer! For example, think about how much trouble the Spartans could have saved if they’d just kneeled down to Xerxes as a god and paid him an annual tribute instead of kicking his emissary into that well!)

What do we need to go to Mars for? Why can’t we just leave it in peace, like we do the sacred primeval forests of Tasmania, or any other sacred trees? The desire to go to Mars is fuelled by the same white, patriarchal insane lust to ‘take over’ our own planet.

Here’s something that will curl your toes. Ever hear of ‘terraforming’? Science fiction readers and viewers of the 90’s version of Bill Nye’s science show on TV might know what I’m talking about, but for those who don’t, here’s a question. How can humans colonise Mars, a freezing cold desert with no air and almost no water? Answer: Cause global warming! ‘Scientists’ (and I use that word loosely!) literally propose to cause global warming on another planet so that human beings can go there and dig up its resources!

Let me say that again. White men want to cause global warming on another planet and exploit its resources.

Just let that sink in.

Besides, the whole endeavour would cost a fortune! All those billions of dollars would be better spent on things like transgender toilets, tampon dispensers in ‘male’ toilets, diversity programs, women’s studies departments, anti-discrimination programs, more mosques, ad campaigns about feminism, the ABC, Koran memorisation contests for the Army, and more! There is a slew of more worthwhile things that we can spend taxpayers’ money on rather than flying some dumb phallic spaceship to Mars!

So I say no! I say let’s get off this crazy choo-choo train of colonisation and exploitation! Leave the Red Planet as it is and spend the money on something more worthwhile! Let’s honour it from afar; worship it even, as our enlightened ancient ancestors did! Humans have already ruined one planet. Why go to another one, just to ruin it, too?

In order to strike back against this harmful new meme, and to make people start thinking about a more productive way to channel their time and energy than in too-hard-to-realise daydreams about interplanetary travel, we at the Department of Inequality Studies have come up with a couple of memes of our own:

Department of Inequality Studies/Carolco Pictures.
Department of Inequality Studies/Carolco Pictures.

That’s right, bigots! We’ve turned your precious 90s male power fantasy upside-down, scrunched it up and tossed it back at your aghast faces! That sound you hear is your world crumbling around you!

And there are so many other things you can get your ass to, too. I urge my fellow leftists to make their own memes and distribute them. Here are some ideas: Get your ass to Centerlink. Get your ass to a women’s AFL game. Get your ass to open day at the local mosque. Get your ass to your safe space. Get your ass to a pussy hat rally. Get your ass to the gay and lesbian Mardi Gras. Get your ass to another diversity training seminar. The list is long.

But meanwhile, thanks to the new way of thinking that the Left has graciously given the world, we really are never going to Mars. And I couldn’t be happier.

Time for other news. The Department of Inequality Studies here at Deakin has prepared a response to the disgraceful attack on Alan Joyce esq., the esteemed and flawless CEO of Qantas: That his holiest of visages should be marred by a ‘cream pie’, (probably baked in a bakery which would refuse to cater at a gay wedding) was bad enough. But the idea that the decrepit old fool who orchestrated the pastry-based assault should feel any ‘anger’ at being ‘denied a voice’ and be ‘fed up’ with being ‘lectured to by elites’ and therefore feel compelled to ‘lash out’ is a ridiculous outrage! The plebiscite on same-sex marriage was denied because common people shouldn’t have a say on anything important like this, and also because it seemed like it was going to fail! Only those who wholeheartedly want gay marriage (whether because they think it will get them re-elected or because they want to virtue-signal to their Leftist friends) should be trusted to ‘have a say’! Gosh, I am getting so sick of Christians! Why can’t they just shut up about this already? All we on the Left want is to do is to negate totally the moral authority of the Bible once and for all by forcing Christians to accept gay marriages in churches and in the broader community! Is that too much to ask? Christians are being pretty selfish about this if you ask me.

It’s correspondence time! I was pleased to see that this humble column received a ‘comment‘ last week, by a man called Shimon Tomasz. He noted that a woman who self-infibulates will need twine to sew herself up afterwards, which I had failed to mention. Mr. Tomasz is right and the good news for our female readers is that both razors and twine are available at your local Spotlight. However, ‘being factually accurate’ is patriarchal discourse, so you might want to check your privilege. Otherwise, thanks for the comment!