Half the Planet Keeps Us in Suspense

Baby Gaga
Baby Gaga

Late yesterday, millions around the planet were asked if they would accept the U.S. Presidential Election result now that it hadn’t gone their way. Rational and sane people everywhere were shocked and appalled at their reply of, “We’ll look into it at the time. We’ll keep you in suspense”.

Hillary Clinton was unavailable for comment due to not having the temperament or stamina to be President, but was asked the same question of someone who echoed similar sentiments recently. Here’s what she said then, and we can only assume that it’s what she thinks now, so we’ve changed the quote only slightly, changing ‘he’ to ‘they’, because the millions insisted that we at XYZ refer to them as ‘they’ or by their preferred gender pronoun ‘Regressive Leftist’. With that in mind, we echo Mrs. Clinton’s words from after the third debate.

“That’s horrifying,” Mrs. Clinton replied. “Let’s be clear about what they are saying and what that means. Regressive leftists are denigrating — they are talking down our democracy. And I am appalled that someone would take that position.”

President Obama was also unavailable for comment, but like Hillary, gave a statement recently when somebody else made exactly the same remarks, so again we can only assume that he has the same response for the millions including Lena Dunham, Bruce Springsteen, and Amy Schumer who are keeping us in suspense. Here’s what Barry said, and naturally he’d have no reason to change his opinion?

“That is dangerous. Because when you try to sow the seeds of doubt in people’s minds about the legitimacy of the elections, that undermines our democracy. Then you’re doing the work of our adversaries for them,” Obama said.

A devastated Alec Baldwin was asked by Tom Hanks to repeat after him, “I, Alec Baldwin, agree to accept the election result,” but sneakily added the caveat, “only if Hillary wins, gotcha loser… trademark!”

Attempts to make reality sink in are also being hampered by the Clinton News Network, who are struggling to report accurately on the fly after they were heavily briefed by the DNC on exactly what to say when Hillary won prior to the election.

It’s your XYZ.

Photo by Jason H. Smith

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Eh?nonymous was a thoroughly repellent unemployed social justice warrior until a one in a million glitch in his Facebook account affected the algorithms in his news feed, omitting posts from his much loved left leaning Huffington Post and I F---ing Love Science, and inexplicably replacing them with centrist and conservative newsfeed items that slowly dragged him kicking and screaming into the light beyond the safe space that Mr. Zuckerberg had so carefully constructed for him. It’s a long road to recovery, but every Mark Steyn share he sees in his newsfeed is like another day clean from social justice addiction.