By Ghostwtr
Folks, Van Badham is our friend. She has her faults, but she always means well. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that when Badham’s plan to help establish a feminist colony on Venus and ultimately save humanity from her excruciating commentary inevitably fails and she comes crawling back to Earth, let’s show her the support she deserves.
I know it’s going to be tempting to point out how we all told her she was hysterical beforehand—or crack jokes about holding her head underwater while she bobs for apples, and how we’re all just one cosmic calamity away from extinction and you, Van Badham, you had the chance to help change that but you failed miserably, so thanks for nothing—but we need to resist that urge. Sure, Van Badham’s been an abstract failure throughout her life, but don’t we all fail from time to time?
Caroline Wilson, remember when you ignored Badham’s warning and tried to shotgun three beers in a row but after the first two, you began to stagger around and vomit on everything? On that day, you failed. But it did win you a gig as a football commentator (and we all KNOW how qualified you are for THAT!). And Richard Di Natale, I’m sure you recall that time we went to see the football and you had a seizure midway through, shocked at the sight of testosterone-fueled violence; then Badham had to summon help and the whole night was ruined. Or that time a few months later when we were at a pub and you seized again at the taste of beer. Or the three times you’ve seized since at anything remotely masculine.
And of course, I’m not immune from defeat myself. I once bought a floor lamp from IKEA, but with Badham in the offices of ‘the Guardian Australia’ attempting to write out another long list of abuse on twitter or whatever, I never felt like putting it together and finally just sat it out by the road still in its box and watched someone drive by and pick it up. That’s all I can recall at the moment, but I’m sure there are other instances of failure that I’ve experienced but can just no longer remember.
All I’m saying is that we need to begin by looking from within. What I’m not doing is seriously contending that our occasional shortcomings are the equivalent of Badham’s more impactful repeated ones. Certainly, none of our failures have ever resulted in the continuance of the AIDS crisis in Africa, the lack of a cure for pancreatic cancer, or the inhumane treatment of women and girls throughout the Islamic world. These are issues that Badham alone must answer to – IF she can ever get past her moral outrage to the human trait called ‘having a sense of humour’.
But let’s nonetheless show Badham a warm welcome upon her return to Earth. When she stumbles out of that spacecraft, looking haggard and bewildered, probably with a face more acne-riddled than usual, we’ll be wearing the smiles of small, clinically deranged children. And I think you’ll all agree it would be best not to mention the, “How long does Badham last on Venus?” betting pool, which, based on the vibe of her most recent transmissions on twitter, it appears I’ll be winning.