A spokesperson for FIFA has expressed confidence that the criminal charges against several of its most senior administrators, including its President Sepp Blatter, will not detract from the game. In handing down an 8 year ban to Blatter and Michael Platini, the spokesperson said “We must all remember that the most important thing, in all of this, is the game we love.”
The spokesperson then launched a passionate defence of the right of players to dive for no reason in the penalty box, fake injuries, and generally carry on like little wusses on the field:
“The gaining of an unfair advantage over a superior opponent, rather than attempting to defeat them by skill and hard work alone, is pivotal to European Football.”
The FIFA spokesperson also confirmed that no changes would be made to the game in order to make it more exciting, by, for example, making it easier to score:
“FIFA is dead against the Americanisation of the game. If we make it easier to score, the better teams would regularly score heavily against inferior opponents, which would hurt their feelings. We feel it is important to give weaker teams an unfair advantage by restricting the ability to score, in order to encourage competition. Encouraging a free-flowing, free-scoring style of play is not what socialism, I mean soccer, is about.”
In response to complaints from Australians that diving constituted a form of “cheating” the spokesperson said, “Look, don’t listen to those stupid Australians. They are all a bunch of racists. Everybody knows that.”
It’s your XYZ.
Photo by LaertesCTB 
