Al Gore claims cow farts equivalent to 1 million Hiroshima bombs every day

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I hadn’t heard any news of former US Vice President Al Gore for years. I thought he must have drowned in his beach side property under rising sea levels or have been fed to Greta Thunberg as Soylent Green to sustain her on her first transatlantic crossing in a solar powered mega yacht.

Alas it seems Gore was simply hibernating through all of his failed predictions and has emerged in Davos to help the Gore Effect of record cold and snow whenever he opens his mouth, to manifest once more.

Settled science 150 years ago, when Tyndall first noticed that different gasses had different absorption and emission properties, told us that the best way to treat hysteria was for a doctor to rub a woman’s clitoris until she finally stopped moaning and could shut the fuck up at home so the husband could read The Times in peace.

Al Gore’s hysteria has become so great that only an industrial sized coal powered clittie tickler would suffice as he has been running around Davos screaming about the oceans boiling and a million Hiroshima bombs a day being released every time a cow farts. Meanwhile the “atmospheric rivers” (winter storms) in California that he claims are the result of you warming up your evening meal on a gas stove, have broken the drought that he claimed would never be broken and dumped record snow that has buried ski resorts that were supposed to be turned into skate parks.

It is because of Al Gore that no corrupt scientist dares mention the planet Venus anymore. Once the poster child for a global warming scam, popularised by the shill Carl Sagan, the surface of Venus is “hot enough to melt lead” because of a “runaway Greenhouse Effect”.

So next time you wake up to find your tomatoes unexpectedly exposed to the elements, don’t blame the crack addicts next door for stealing your Greenhouse and selling it on Gumtree for a fix. Obviously it just ran away on its own to the planet Venus to help with global warming.

Al Gore decided to write a book to accompany his 2006 Hollywood super hero movie Climate Change Man: An Inconvenient Truth! But when it came to the section on Venus he must have needed to pad it out a bit and made the mistake of looking up other planets in the solar system too. He noticed that Mars also had an atmosphere that was nearly made up of just CO2 just like Venus, but that unlike Venus the surface temperature was cold not hot. -63C on average. He then noticed, just like I later did that the atmosphere on Mars was 100 times thinner than Earth and the atmosphere on Venus was nearly 100 times thicker. He also correctly concluded in his book that this difference in the amount of total atmosphere was the reason one was extra hot and the other was extra cold. But because he’s a slimy con artist he decided to say “we are dangerously thickening the atmosphere”.

Sure Al. The atmosphere contains 0.0415% CO2 and 100 years from now it’s possible it will contain 0.0515% CO2. Still 230,000 times less CO2 than Venus, but it will be dangerously thicker than before, or people’s intellect will.

So Venus isn’t mentioned anymore and neither is the Greenhouse Effect. All pretence at real science has been abandoned and Al has been hidden away for a few years so enough people could memory hole all the shit he said earlier.

Now, though he’s back. Klaus Anal Swab failed to clone a Mini Me and is getting on a bit. There is talk about who will succeed him. So Al Gore has re-emerged as has Tony Blair. Will it be Mr “The North Pole will be gone by 2013” or Mr “Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction, so bomb the crap out of brown people then let them emigrate to the UK”? Only time will tell who will don the eye patch and take up the right hand job of Number 2.

But until that is decided, the hysteria mounts and there aren’t enough industrial sized clittie ticklers to go around.

You can find Stephen Wells at Telegram and purchase his books here.