Author’s note: This is satire. Yep, this is definitely, 100% pure, farm-fresh satire. The whole thing is a big joke. Maybe this author’s note is a joke too. If it were a joke, I would say it wasn’t a joke. I’m just telling jokes. Don’t take this seriously. No seriously, don’t take this seriously. Don’t infiltrate and overthrow the Greens party, haha. Lol. That would be so random though. Imagine if you actually did it – which you shouldn’t – but imagine if you did. Wow. I mean it would probably work. The tactics seem sound. Just don’t do it. You get it? I made up this whole plan for an elaborate joke. I think we understand each other.
The Greens party is currently being infiltrated by a small group of fit, intelligent young men. Yes, even as you read this, it’s already happening. This operation is mature, I can neither confirm nor deny that Adam Bandt and Peter Whish-Wilson are in fact secretly Aryan Race Warriors who are in on the operation. But there’s one problem – we don’t have enough men. We need your help. You’ll remember something similar happened to the Nationals a few years back, and they basically conducted a very public purge to remove the culprits. This is good. Here’s why.
Declaring this publicly is opening Pandora’s box. There’s no going back from this point. This is a lone wolf operation, with as many wolves as possible. The wolves are all very obviously wolves, so there’s two outcomes: Either the Greens fall prey to our coup, or they subject handsome young Aussie men to an inquisition and lose all credibility with their base and the rest of the public. We’ll get them to say the quiet part out loud – they will have to make discrimination against Aussie men an explicit party policy in order to keep us out. How else would they ensure a bloke who is mouthing all their dumb platitudes wasn’t actually a double-agent? The Greens constituents are bifurcated between older, well meaning hippies and young, rabid liberals. The older ones don’t really mean anyone harm, they want to save the forests and whales. The younger ones conducted their own coup on the party around refugees and climate change and didn’t bother to protect their flank. This is where you come in. You are one of the New Greens. The True Greens.
First off, you need to be able to hide your power level. You have to talk the talk and say a couple of things you don’t quite mean. For example, you aren’t going to fly under the radar saying “A Green Australia is a White Australia.” Instead you’ll want to “bolster the fight against habitat destruction.” The number one driver of habitat destruction is building new suburbs. Who goes into those new suburbs? Yeah.
See, the Greens platform should be staunchly conservative. It should be all about reshoring Australian production. If it’s on our shores, it can be monitored and regulated. We can ensure nobody in the third world is exploited to feed Western capitalism. For environmental purposes, of course. We should be aiming for wildlife conservation, and preserving the wealth and beauty of the Australian bush. The greatest threat to our bushland is population growth. Obviously forcefully limiting native births is unthinkable, so that leaves only one option, and that’s limiting the greatest source of Australian population growth – immigration. We may even need to send some people overseas, voluntarily, through a sponsored remigration plan. This is all for the environment, remember. It makes sense when you think about it though.
Currently, the Greens advocate for a higher Australian population through refugee and immigration quotas. That is complete hypocrisy and we aim to address that. In addition to the above migration halt and remigration schemes, an internationally cooperative solution will be proposed whereby all university students are drafted to go and help refugees just outside international crisis zones. If they come home and still express pro-refugee opinions, their excellent moral fibre will be rewarded with another tour of aid duty. Voluntary, of course, and not taking advantage of any coercive laws that Australia has already broken the taboo on. I mean its up to you whether your university debts are instantly cleared by joining the scheme or not.
They want to tax billionaires? Well, alright, they can start with all the international capitalists who are getting rich off selling “green” technology. They can tax union mobsters who are rolling in cash after selling out Aussie workers. The worker visas the unions tacitly encourage are exploitative indentured servitude. We won’t tax ordinary Aussies who make it big. Dick Smith is safe.
Zero waste and recycling? We will crack down on international offenders. China, Africa, and India will be sanctioned and denounced until they correct their ways. All nationals from those countries will be barred from entry. For the environment, of course.
The Greens also propose to base Australian power on so-called “renewable” sources, most of which are a capitalist trick. It is well-known that renewable energy creates huge amounts of waste, is harmful to animal populations, and frankly is just an eyesore. To this end, any homeowners with solar panels will be allowed to keep them and their loans on these will be paid in full by a True Greens government. However, publicly owned solar plants will be run to the end of their 10-year product life, then disassembled and left outside the multiple upper-middle class residences of former Greens politicians. Wind farms will be disassembled effective immediately and likewise laid at the feet of their former owners.
How then, you ask, will Australia get its power? We have huge deposits of uranium native to our country and will be investigating clean, safe nuclear power as an interim solution. Australia has an extremely stable tectonic profile and we are not at risk of inclement weather or natural disasters threatening the operation of these plants. An interim solution, I said. Our true purpose will be revealed by funding many expeditions to the Antarctic in order to discover the opening to the Inner Earth. It is said that the secrets of Zero Point Energy are held by an ancient, noble people who dwell there. If we encounter any breakaway Nationalist Germans from last century, don’t worry, we won’t secretly facilitate their infiltration into current-year Germany. That’s crazy, we won’t do that. Not that we could really do anything to stop them anyway.
If the old Greens had their way, they would shut down all iron ore production and cripple Australia’s economy. While economy isn’t everything, the New Greens solution is to impose a tariff on buyers and non-Australian owned exporters. Alongside this will be a new government-operated mining company, the profits of which will go directly back to taxpayers similarly to the Norwegian system. All minerals extracted will be offered to Australian industries at mates rates.
This is but a taste of the ideological terror we will unleash on the Greens.
We will succeed in these aims, or we will force the Greens to show that they are against Australian success, and indeed against Australian people. The minute they start the purges, physiognomy will win the day, as people will see images of fit young men being harried by histrionic cat ladies, and hear them speaking eloquently and with care about the plight of Australia only to be tut-tutted by sententious hags. The optics of the old Greens shouting down these sensible talking points will be totally disastrous for them, yet they must do it. Their nature compels them to. Once they carry out their purges, we shall strike while the iron is hot and form the True Greens party. It’s a play on True Blue and will market well. If you aren’t voting True Greens, you must be voting for the fake and false Greens, and that doesn’t sound so hot. Join us now. There’s no time to waste. You know how we feel about waste.
But a word of warning. Do not reveal your identity to anyone. Do not reveal the plan. If a bloke who looks sort of like he’s doing the same thing approaches you and asks for the truth, do not take the bait. You are a lone wolf and must remain so. Be smart. This is bigger than our individual egos. The Greens are now a conservative nationalist party.
Originally published at Mike Rusade’s Micro Crusade.