The Boy Born in a Zoo


Once upon a time, a boy was born in a zoo; his parents were very progressive so they decided to raise him as monkey. They fed him bananas and taught him to swing on trees, and groom other monkeys like a good member of the troop.

As the boy grew, he started eating more and more and taking up more space in the enclosure, he even harassed some of the older members of the troop. However, his parents were very proud of his progress in becoming a fully-fledged monkey citizen and they encouraged him as much as they could.

Soon the monkeys started asking questions and getting upset, the boy was growing big and able to overpower them. “Why is this human given so much food? He eats everything and he takes up all our space! He’s not a real monkey,” they said.

The parents of the boy, being very progressive and enlightened, then started calling the monkeys names in order to silence them. They said, “He’s a monkey too, you monkey supremacists! He is just like you! He was born in the zoo, he is being raised a monkey, that makes him a monkey, you racists!”

The monkeys were ashamed and said, “we are not racist, we are sorry!” They did not like the boy being there but the public shame was too much to handle.

As the years rolled on the boy kept growing. He was eating more and more, and taking all the best spots in the enclosure, the monkeys felt trapped and started getting angry. They started organising a resistance, they said things like “monkey lives matter” and “it’s OK to be a monkey!”

The boy’s parents then stepped up the name-calling; they could not believe that these monkeys could deny their own son’s monkeyhood. It was just so offensive, and everyone on social media agreed with them. They started getting monkeys thrown into separate, much smaller, enclosures for daring to speak out against their son’s monkey identity.

The battle raged, with other zoo animals weighing in on the debate. The apes all agreed with the monkeys, the cats pretended to care but did not, and the snakes agreed with the parents. The apes pointed out that if we let every human in, soon every animal would lose their homes. The snakes called them bigots and accused them of not wanting to share and the cats said, “We are centrists, can’t we all just get along?”

Eventually the monkeys won, since it was their homeland, and they kicked the boy out of the zoo entirely. Since the snakes sided with the invading humans, the whole zoo fed them to the eagles and laughed. “Let that be a lesson to you, worthless snakes,” they cheered.

The parents took the boy to their real home and wrote angry blog posts about how racist the monkeys at the zoo are, but soon stopped. They realised it was pointless, and their son was not actually a monkey, but a human being.

Then everyone lived happily ever after with their own kind.

The end.

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