Sarah Tampon-Young will NOT be Teased!

Re Tard, by Sarah Tampon-Young. From Twitter.

Champagne corks were popping and cotton wads were sopping last night as Sarah Hanson-Young celebrated the publication of her very special book, Re Tard.

In the bold and intellectually provocative book the Greens senator takes an in-depth look at the arcane sport of Slut-Slamming—a similar art-form to pro-wrestling’s body-slamming, but with more baby oil, more hooting and hollering, and always involving at least one swamp-sow.

But, sadly, as the sharp-quilled senator grimly informs us, Slut-Slamming isn’t all sunshine and dolly-pops. Apparently there exists within this sport a much uglier phenomenon, that of “slut-shaming”, an alleged activity which a hastily convened senate inquiry has proven all too real.

Thirty-seven sluts from the streets surrounding parliament house were invited to give testimony and, of those, thirty-six claimed that they were desperately ashamed, almost suicidal, to be associated in any way with Sarah Hanson-Young.

“I’m a human slut—I am not a swamp-sow!” was the heartfelt cry of one participant.

The thirty-seventh slut turned out to be a case of mistaken identity when it was discovered that Senator Doug Cameron had simply misspoken due to his thick sluttish accent.

Initial sales of Re Tard have exceeded all expectations, something Hanson-Young attributes to recent profound cultural changes.

“In the past week,” said the feisty, stare-eyed senator, “we’ve seen the glorious repeal of the brutally oppressive Tampon Tax—so of course my slim volume, when purchased by a woman, will now be 10% cheaper.”

Also contributing to Re Tard’s immense popularity was Labor leader Bill Shorten’s announcement that the State will soon begin safe-schooling all Aussie kids from three years of age.

“This dovetails beautifully with my wonderful modern message for a modern progressive Australia,” said Hanson-Young. “Particularly in the first chapter where I tell an autobiographically-based story that is certain to be an inspiration to all pre-schoolers.”

The first-chapter tells the story of little Sarah, a very special, very beautiful little girl who, wearing the smartest little frock you’ve ever seen, goes to kindy and makes friends with a little boy—who also happens to be called Sarah. As Sarah learns to love and adore and respect and worship Sarah, the little boy also learns that if he’s very very good, and stays very very quiet, he may one day grow up to be sensitive enough to be considered an honorary Re Tard.

At this stage there seems no limit to the good that may flow unstaunched from Sarah Tampon-Young’s daring contribution to “the best that has been thought and said”.