Adam Bandt grows an Au Pair


Jack Tilley

Greens MP Adam Bandt has stepped up his attack on Peter Dutton over his alleged visa intervention on behalf of French au pair, Alexandra Deuwel.

Alexandra Deuwel.

In a shock development, Bandt has accused the Home Affairs Minister of pursuing a sinister right-wing agenda by trying to keep the au pair in the country.

“It’s qwite obvious,” said Bandt, “that Mr Dutton is trying to impose a deeply reactionary cis-normative stereotype on the diverse Australian electorate. This au pair just happens to be an ‘attractive’ ‘blonde’ ‘woman’ who shamelessly boasts, in her very job title, of having a nice ‘pair’. What sort of message is that sending to our non-binary persons who identify as mono-breasted or triple-breasted? Science has proven that having a third nipple is completely normal and can actually benefit a tolerant society. The ancient world’s Ephesian Artemis has around two dozen breasts. Would Dutton give her an extension?

“The facts are clear: Peter Dutton is a numerical-mammaphobe.

“I think today a lot of very special non-binary zits and zirs will be moving even deeper into the second-tier cocoons of their safe spaces. And who could blame them? This move of Dutton’s is the most heinous act of double-D triggering we’ve witnessed since Bob Brown mistook Richard Di Natale’s manhood for a piece of old growth logging.”

Asked by a nodding, frowning, anxiously empathising circle of hard-bitten journos if he could perhaps just clarify slightly what exactly he was saying, a clearly emotional Bandt unbuttoned his pale blue shirt to the waist, bared his pale blue chest to the cameras and cried, “We are all multi-breasted underneath! Don’t put my nipples in a box!” Then, in a rather red-faced screech, he added, “My man-spigots are not an abacus!”

True to his progressive vision, Bandt has since introduced legislation into the House which will see the term “au pair” replaced by the more diversity-friendly term “au integer”.

Photo by xubangwen