If only George Bush had said this


Normally, I don’t read anything that is not the Guardian, black lesbian poetry, or Julia Gillard’s misogyny speech. However, I found a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies on the bus the other day. Yeah, I take the bus. Because I care about the environment.

Anyway, apparently this book was a big hit. All the guy did was take a copy of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice off Project Gutenberg, paste it as a Word document, then insert zombies! I thought, I should do that! So, without any further ado, here is George W Bush’s 9-11 speech, as it should have been.

Good evening.

Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom, went on as usual in the entire rest of the country, and even most of New York. So the first thing to say is, maybe get some perspective. The formerly-living were in airplanes or in their offices: secretaries, business men and women, military and federal workers, moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by something that had nothing to do with Islam. The pictures of airplanes flying into buildings, fires burning, huge — huge structures collapsing, have filled us with disbelief, terrible sadness, a quiet, unyielding anger, and one big question: What if we hadn’t been so irrationally appalled by the otherness of the Muslim religion? These acts of mass murder were intended to show our nation how bigoted and Islamophobic it is. But they have failed. Our country is still pretty Islamophobic.

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. That nation’s name is Saudi Arabia. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of the Muslim faith, which is the Koran. America was targeted for attack because we’re the darkest pit for Islamophobia and bigotry in the world. Today, our nation saw evil — the very worst of human nature — and we responded with the best of America. With the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could. If Twitter had been invented yet, I’m pretty sure there would have been a few really good hashtags around. #prayfornewyork, maybe.

Immediately following the first attack, which as I said had nothing to do with Islam, I implemented our government’s emergency response plans. Our military is powerful, and it’s prepared to hire imams and Islamic media officers, and use Halal ration packs. Our emergency teams are working in New York City and Washington D.C. to help with local rescue efforts. Our first priority is to make sure there’s no backlash against Muslims. The functions of our government continue without interruption. Federal agencies in Washington which had to be evacuated today are reopening for essential personnel tonight and will be open for business tomorrow. Our financial institutions remain strong (wink wink), and the American economy will be open for business as well.

The search is underway for those who were behind these evil acts which had nothing to do with Islam. Islam is a religion of peace founded by a saintly, wise pacifist, and whose adherents are kind of like beautiful super-beings. I have directed the full resources of our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible for all the Islamophobia in America, and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those whose Islamophobia incited them.

Worl photo
Photo by The U.S. National Archives

I appreciate so very much the members of Congress who have joined me in strongly condemning me for my Islamophobia. I deserve that. And on behalf of the American people, I thank the many world leaders who have called to offer their condolences and assistance. America and our friends and allies join with all those who want peace and security in the world, and we stand together to win the war against global warming.

Tonight, I ask for your wishes, Wiccan love spells and lucky magic for all those who grieve, for the Muslim children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened by the very high likelihood of some kind of anti-Muslim backlash. And I hope they will be comforted by this quotation, spoken through the ages in Koran 74:27-30:

“Would that you really knew what hell is! It leaves and spares no one and nothing. It scorches people’s skins and it has nineteen angelic keepers.”

This is a day when all Muslim-Americans from every walk of life unite in their resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and this time we’re simply going to stand down. We are not going to inflame this situation. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend people’s freedom to blow up, stab or crash their cars into people they don’t like.

Thank you. Good night. And may a god, not the usual one, bless America.

No other news this week, so it’s correspondence time! I was ashamed to see that reader Addelad noted that I was not disabled. It really hit home that I lack the qualifications to say anything. So I headed down to the medical centre and looked for the brownest doctor I could find. Because I don’t care about race. That doctor told me that, according to the DSM-V, I was ‘on the spectrum’. He then winked and said that pretty much everyone is on the spectrum. I left the doctor and headed off to Centrelink with a big smile on my face — I had officially been diagnosed as mentally ill! So why don’t you grab a deck of cards and ‘deal with it’, haters!

Another reader named Ima Trole-Yumoron noted by postcard that in my Halal tea party with Gillian Triggs, I (and Gillian) had culturally appropriated tea from China. I was staggered! My heart thumped loudly, and my skin crawled with disgust and self-loathing as I contemplated my lifetime of tea drinking! I couldn’t believe that I had never, ever realised that drinking a humble cup of tea was an act of cultural vandalism! I thought of all those poor Chinese people, suffering in silence while we arrogant barbarian Westerners annihilate their birthright and heritage, cup by cup! I realised I would have to do something about this. So I decided to start Water Hour. It’s like Earth Hour. For one hour a year, I will drink water instead of tea. It can be Evian, can be Perrier, or even ordinary tap water! I will build awareness of our cultural appropriation that way, and we can all feel good about ourselves. C’mon, Lefties! We can do it! We can live without tea for one hour a year!

Photo by Loco Steve Photo by TheMachineStops