How To Improve White Girls


Time after time, confused and upset young white women come up to the Department of Inequality Studies looking for a friendly ear in which to speak for a few hours.

One of the commonest things I hear is that white girls resent being white. First of all, they are always accidentally ‘culturally appropriating’ fashions of less-privileged (i.e. better) races and getting in trouble for it. Second, whenever there is a Muslim or coloured feminist, they find that they are not allowed to speak, because Muslims and POCs rank higher than whites. And white girls really love talking, so they hate it when they are forced not to!

Going lesbian to increase their ranking does not seem to be an attractive choice, as many of these white women irrationally think they ‘need a man’. (They don’t, and their so-called ‘natural’ desire for a man is a delusion caused by millions of years of patriarchal indoctrination, but let’s leave that for now.) And trans-racialism is a hard one to pull off at the moment, although I am confident that cosmetic surgery to change your race will improve dramatically in the next 10-20 years.

I tell these girls to forget homoeroticism and trans-racialism. The way to increase your rank among the Left is amazingly simple. Just become a Muslim! It’s is so easy to do. You are not going to believe how easy it is. No need to kiss girls, and no need to wait till Western medicine figures out how to turn white women into as convincing negresses as they currently turn white men into convincing women. Nope, not at all. All you do is grab an ISIS flag. Print it out off the internet, or come up to my office for a cloth one. I’ve got dozens up here. Now, with your flag, go down to your local mosque, or just find a couple of Muslim guys at the next anti-Israel rally the Greens put on. (I think there’s ones next Thursday). Ask one of the Muslim men to read what it says, then repeat those words in front of both of them. Then voila, you’re a Muslim!

The first thing you’re going to want to do is start saying ‘Iss-lam’ instead of is lamb, and saying ‘Muss-lim’ instead of mooz-lum. Next, get a hijab and wear it. Then you can call yourself a ‘proud hijabi’, and start making comments about how annoying it is that you get profiled and searched every time you go to an airport, or how you notice people turn their heads from you every time you get onto public transport. You can sigh in an affected, virtue-signalling way about it, implying that you think society is unjust and that you experience something that a simple white woman, or even a non-Muslim coloured woman, will never experience, know or understand. “If only you knew,” you can say wistfully, with your head tilted as you look up slightly to the left. “Maybe you will one day, inshallah.”

Oh, and that reminds me. You aren’t white anymore, girl. Islam is somehow a race now. Google it if you don’t believe me! That means no need for expensive cosmetic surgery!

If you want to really enjoy the virtue-signalling benefits of being a Muslim, you’re going to want to get a nice sharp razor blade, pull down your panties and infibulate yourself. Or get a granny from the local mosque to do it. I’d say have a stiff drink beforehand, but liquor is forbidden to you now, so you’ll just have to suck it up, princess. ‘Takes an hour, lasts a lifetime’, as they say. But the good news is that then you can walk around (not for a month or two at least) saying, in the same affected complaining voice, “Most people don’t know anything about female genital mutilation. Non-Muslims especially should stop judging other cultures! They should ask someone who knows, like me! It’s not that big a deal! It’s no different from male circumcision. It’s not mutilation, it’s actually beautiful and cultural! It’s simply a wonderful ancient tradition designed to extinguish female sexual desire!” Your friends will be floored by your turbo-charged virtue-signalling, and your new Muslim friends will not behead you for apostasy for it either. It’s win-win!

Muslim is the best group to be in. It goes Muslims-aborigines-transgenders-gays-other blacks-women-Asians-men. So you’ll be in the top group. Ranked number 1. As a Muslim you will be really pulling your weight in the Left’s war against Christianity.

Now, before you rush off to the mosque, there are a couple of things which you might consider to be ‘inconveniences’ that you ought to know about. For example, one day a Muslim man might get a little friendly with you. Kuffars might describe it as ‘sexual assault’ or ‘rape’. If that happens to you, you stand a good chance of getting honour-killed for it (honour killing is morally justified) or maybe getting acid tossed in your face. Now, before you judge Muslim culture using your subjective, white-girl pre-Islam mindset, think of how awesome you’ll look for sticking up for Islam and its cultural practices when you get murdered for being raped! Not like that phoney poser David Hicks! Jeez, a little torture at Guantanamo Bay was all it took for him to apostasize! But not you, heroic muslima. Not you. You will endure disfigurement or death for your new faith. What will your left-wing friends think of you then? They’ll be stunned in awe is what they’ll be. I’m awestruck just thinking about it now!

Another mild irritation is that you might have to marry a guy with a few other wives, some of whom may be nine years old! But don’t get jealous, just think of it as an instant group of like-minded girls to bitch with at the coffee shop, like Carrie Bradshaw and her gal pals from Sex and the City! (I wouldn’t give coffee to kids till they are at least 14 though, but even then might be too young. It’s just too strong for them). Also, one day you might get into a little lesbian action with them too. Hey, I know what you said before, but be open minded! Think about how much you’ll be able to virtue-signal as a bisexual Muslim woman! Come on, that combination has got to be almost unbeatable!

And speaking of ‘unbeatable’, that’s not you anymore. Your husband is allowed to beat you. That sounds bad on the face of it, but can we just be honest about this? You white girls kind of like that stuff, right? Come on, why else would Fifty Shades of Grey become such a huge bestseller? It wasn’t for its elegant turn of phrase or delicately nuanced characterisations, that’s for sure! Just admit it, you like the idea of being spanked, tied up, and hit. Well, why vicariously enjoy being beaten by a man with whom you have a sexual relationship, when you can do it for real, and then virtue-signal about it to all your white friends? All day long you’ll be sighing in feigned annoyance and telling them that they have no right to judge another culture, and that they do not understand the delicate nuance of the Koran’s 4th sura at all. You will be able to imply that they are racists, with ease!

One final inconvenience is that you can’t renounce your faith. If you do, you might get your head chopped off. But why would you want to renounce such an awesome religion? Islam is flawless, and was recently described by one of our foremost social commentatresses as ‘the most feminist religion’.

Yep, life is gonna be great for you as a muslima hijabi, and it all starts by grabbing a copy of the flag of ISIS and heading down to your local mosque with it. Or heck, buy one of our fundraising singlets, which also feature the austere black and white standard of Caliph al-Baghdadi. Still available from the gift shop, only $40 (GST not included).

Cartoon by Greenmyn.

And now for some other news. I am pleased to see that Rachel Griffiths, one of the unassailable superheroines of feminist virtue, has been on Channel 10 to say that Donald Trump hates women due to his ‘love’ of unborn babies and desire to ‘protect’ them from being ‘destroyed’. Griffiths correctly noted that Trump’s cabinet has many white men in it, who therefore ought to be disqualified from saying anything about abortion ever. She also implied that she scorns the notion that President Trump may be seen by future generations as the ‘Abraham Lincoln of the Unborn’.

The interviewer wisely and correctly did not ask the not-really-attractive, aging actress (neither of which matters because beauty and aging are both patriarchal constructs), “Huh? How does wanting to save the unborn equate to hating women? Your reasoning doesn’t make sense.” Wow, that interviewer would have been fired immediately in a tsunami of Twitter hyper-rage if she’d said that! Fawning, uncritical adoration was instead offered up to the iconic screen goddess, who has appeared topless on occasion but only because the script required it for artistic reasons.

Griffiths, who is sure to be embalmed and publicly displayed upon her death so that future generations of 20-something left-wing Marie Claire readers may prostratingly worship her formaldehyde-preserved, rouged and lipsticked dead corpse, then said that sodomy was quite fine and she is a big supporter of it. (I’m sure, being a Hollywood type, that she has enjoyed a little of it herself from time to time. Haven’t we all!) I am also quite sure, given her pronouncements today, that very soon she will throw her considerable weight behind the nascent Capricornicator Pride movement, which is at the vanguard of the newest front in the war for total sexual freedom. Capricornication should not be seen as a crime or a mental illness! Goats are highly intelligent and may offer their ‘consent’ by bleating and looking at you with those eyes of theirs.