In a move that has been lauded by some as innovation, and by others as indoctrination, Waleed Aly is leaving The Project for the greener intellectual pastures of Playschool. ABC management are reportedly delighted at having coaxed the divisive television personality back from the free market wilderness of network television and into the fold of the inner party, free of the constraints of having to justify low ratings, and a disconnect from the shared values of 92% of his viewership.
“I couldn’t be happier,” Aly told XYZ. “As you guys know, my contract has always required that I am seen as the smartest guy on the panel, and exponentially smarter than my audience. That shouldn’t be difficult playing to an audience of pre-schoolers, or debating whether or not ISIS are real Muslims with deads**t panellists like Humpty, Big Ted, or Jemima.”
Waleed’s contract has come with certain stipulations. Playschool is to be repackaged as ‘Safeschool’ with Roz Ward on board as executive producer. The next season of the revamped children’s programme will see Henny Penny transition from an egg layer into a rooster who decides he still should be able to lay eggs free of judgement from transphobes, Big Ted coming to terms with his oppressive bear privilege, and Jemima being prosecuted under 18C for her offensive previous blackface incarnation as Jemima the Golliwog.
Waleed Aly and Roz Ward aren’t the only high-profile new additions to the popular children’s programme. Dr. Tim Flannery will also be on board to tell fairy-tales about dry and empty Sydney Dams, and Pirate Peter Fitzsimons will be on hand to sing sea shanties about Republicanism, while making any even-handed version of Australian history mercilessly walk the plank.
“Sensible adults are deserting socialism in droves,” an ABC source told XYZ. “If we can just win over the kiddies with Waleed while they still believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, we’ll have a real chance at cementing our socialist utopia. With Play Doh and Duplo bricks of course…”
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