Our man, the pre-eminent hero of our country, the semi-official national explainer-of-why-latest-terrorist-attack-is-our-fault-really, the most oppressed man in Australia Waleed Aly has overcome the vile swamp of racist Islamophobia that is our entertainment industry to be nominated for his second Gold Logie in as many years!
I’m sure, just like me, you’re overcome with joy and excitement at the news.
After all, here at XYZ we have observed Waleed’s journey for a long time. Together we have felt his pain as he struggled against the outright bigotry that has held softly-spoken, guitar-playing, cricket-commentating members of the religion of peace down in this evil racist nation for so long.
Collectively we have ridden the dizzying highs and soul shattering lows of Waleed’s career. We watched as he was mauled by that unconscionable oaf Senator Malcolm Roberts, we felt his shame as Gavin McInnes insulted his manhood, we cringed as he snobbishly called admin assistants Bogans, we cried along with him as he broke down on live television after that nasty Donald Trump won the presidency and ruined poor Waleed’s free holiday, we even squealed in delight like teenaged fanboys when XYZ’s intrepid reporters spotted Waleed at a Guns and Roses concert.
As one, we rode the roller coaster that was last year’s Australian of the Year awards, and cursed the rigged system that saw Waleed pipped at the first hurdle by the Victorian AOTY committee, who through sheer jealousy at Waleed’s obvious brilliance chose to give their nomination to some lawyer with the obviously fake name of Paris Aristotle who predictably failed to make any impact at all on the national stage.
But this time it’s different. This time our man Waleed can overcome the prejudices of the unwashed bogans that infest the fetid, racist swamps of the Australian news and entertainment industry to earn the chance to do what no television personality has done since Home and Away star Kate Richie took home the top prize in 2007 and 2008.
While meaning no disrespect to Ms Richie, whose long and illustrious repertoire of acting plaudits speak for themselves, Waleed is clearly a more worthy winner. While Kate’s joyous performances in the field of short drama displayed assets to stimulate endless ponderings amongst her adolescent male fans, the ascension of Waleed to the pinnacle of Australian entertainment royalty would symbolically mean so much more.
Yet of course the naysayers have predictably used this nomination to come out from under their hate-filled rocks to spew their vile and incandescent racist bile towards the saintly, innocent and demure presenter of Channel Ten’s prime time light entertainment flagship.
Some jealous and no doubt evil “Industry insiders” have expressed their surprise that both Aly and his co-host Peter Helliar have both been nominated, when The Project “is one of the worst-rating shows on TV,” and was bested by twenty-eight other programs last week and is regularly being beaten in their time slot by Better Homes and Gardens and nature documentaries.
This just goes to show how bigoted, small-minded and myopic Australia’s entertainment industry is; this obsession with a program actually having people watch it simply displays the gross ignorance of these unlettered barbarians when it comes to true art. They simply don’t understand how influential Waleed and his lesser co-hosts are in moving public debate in a progressive direction. Sure, serious people prefer to get the progressive view of the news from the ABC, but the plebs need to be enlightened too.
Imagine if all your hairdresser, garbage truck driver or admin assistant had to inform them about the world was the drivel on Today Tonight? Ignoring the proper education of the lower orders is how evil tyrants like Donald Trump are able to come to power.
And let’s not forget the inestimable work Waleed does in presenting a nice, progressive, guitar playing Muslim face to offset all those rather less sanguine images of that ancient, tolerant and peaceful faith irresponsibly and recklessly reported on by the baser sections of the news media.
When Waleed smiles and looks into the camera with his large brown eyes and explains in his soft dulcet voice that terrorism is nothing but an irritant and that the West is ultimately to blame, it helps to drown out the images ordinary proles have of the corpses of small children crushed beneath the tires of a fourteen wheel truck.
But sadly, when even the usually progressive Guardian have exposed themselves as a cesspit of bigotry by attacking the Gold Logies nominations for containing insufficient ovaries, we know this is going to be an uphill struggle.
So it’s time for us at XYZ to join the fight, to pick ourselves up and join the struggle for a better tomorrow. After all, shouldn’t Australia be blessed with another victory speech like last year, where the heroic Waleed heroically stood up and in a heroic manner declared that the Australian entertainment industry should give more jobs and money to people like Waleed?
Australia needs another speech like that; Australia deserves another speech like that. To be totally honest, any vote for anyone other than Waleed is sheer and unadulterated bigotry; the fact that other nominees have not immediately stood down to clear the field is suspect in and of itself.
I only hope that Aly, the unofficial mascot and honoured friend of this publication, can struggle through the morass that surrounds him to triumph. Waleed, our thoughts and prayers are with you.
