Model Bambii Alexandre, most notable as the face of a 2008 Suppository advertising campaign, has come forward with shocking allegations that Republican nominee Donald J Trump completely ignored her at a function that same year.
“It was like…just so traumatic” Bambii told XYZ Hollywood correspondent Nelson Aspirin. “I mean, everyone wanted to f— me…Charlie Sheen, R Kelly, Snoop Dogg…I even had Bill come onto me when John Podesta put this whole ambush together, but I had to pretend it wasn’t consensual and he said I wasn’t convincing enough. I was never gonna make it as an actress”.
“This is just the tip of the iceberg,” CNN’s Vanderbilt Mini Cooper solemnly reported, looking decidedly whipped in a haze of Amyl Nitrate. “The DNC asked those of us in mainstream media with a cosy Clinton relationship how many more beautiful women we could find who’ve been traumatised by the Republican candidate not groping them. It’s literally in the tens of thousands! These are damning allegations.”
“This is bad,” ABC’s Mouthfulla Radish agreed. “This is it. This is definitely going to be the one that ends his campaign. And if it doesn’t, we’ll run with the story of how he once illegally downloaded an episode of Game of Thrones when Melania forgot to set it to record. That’ll definitely do it”.
The allegations by Ms. Alexandre may seem wild and outlandish, but frequent Clinton collaborator and regressive feminist Lena Dunham made a statement this morning that substantiates the claims by proving a similar pattern of behaviour by the Republican Candidate.
“It was three years ago. Oh my God, he was such a pig!” Dunham shrieked to TMZ. “I said Mr. Trump, you wanna f— me? I want in on the Celebrity Apprentice. I’m really good. Ask my sister. He just ignored me and walked away. Definitely has a problem with women. I mean, I’m hot, right?”.
When asked to comment, Republican Paul Ryan disavowed Donald Trump with the caveat that he would endorse him again once it had all blown over, or if disavowing the potential future President looked like hurting his career. Mike Pence made similar mealy-mouthed statements.
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Photo by david_shankbone 
