Jesus looked the man up and down. “Jairus, you’re a temple official on a very good salary. You can afford the best doctors in Israel to attend her. In fact, you earn so much that you should be paying extra tax to fund Medicare for everyone.”
As Jesus moved on, Jairus following and begging Him for help, a woman came up behind Him and touched the tzitzit on His robe. Jesus turned and said to her, “Woman, your faith has saved you! The Temple will now pay you a pension and all your medical expenses for as long as you suffer from this bleeding.”
A man came to inform Jairus that his daughter had died.
“Don’t worry,” Jesus told Jairus, “I’ll refer you to an excellent grief counsellor in Jerusalem.”
Two blind men followed Jesus, calling, “Son of David! Have pity on us!”
Jesus answered, “The Temple will pay you disability pensions, and provide each of you with a carer to lead you where you want to go. But see that no-one hears about this.”
But they talked about it all through the region, and every beggar applied to the Temple for pensions and carers.
A mute man was led to Jesus, and the people bringing him explained, “He has a demon.”
“This is no demon,” Jesus replied. “It’s the predictable result of his being a victim of racism under the Roman regime. Society must simply accept him as he is.”
The Pharisees took Jesus’ new Temple Welfare Scheme as an excuse to raise the tax. “See how much we care! We’re helping all these people! Aren’t we progressive?”