Today outside Federal Parliament in Canberra, someone who identifies as a spokesperson for the Australian Greens claimed that Barbie dolls are responsible for ‘pretty much 99% of terrorism that occurs throughout the world.’
After reporters begged for a more in-depth explanation, the ‘spokesperson’ pointed out:
‘Barbie is really, really sexy. She is hotter than most people who identify as women. Definitely hotter than any Greens Senator who identifies as a woman could hope to be. She is, in essence, placed on a pedestal as the socially constructed ideal form of female beauty.
‘People who hail from cultures which teach that if you kill people who do not believe what you believe, you will go to heaven where you will be served by 72 virgins, are likely to uphold the image of Barbie in their minds when fantasising about what those virgins might look like.
‘Currently, because Barbie is really, really sexy, this acts as an incentive to kill large numbers of people who identify as people, and die in the process. But if Barbie was a little more, well, frumpy, this incentive would be diminished. It is the Greens’ mission to diminish the beauty of people who identify as women, of people who identify as men, and the 361 other possible combinations or permutations of gender which have been scientifically proven to exist, to reduce the chances of all forms of terrorism and terrorisms.
‘Ultimately, we believe that if we can make life grey, bland, and devoid of any joy whatsoever, we can minimise all violence, whether this be disagreeing with Greens policy, massacring a church full of Christians in the Middle East, or, worst of all, assigning gender to people based on their genitalia.
‘And in conclusion, studies show that the colour pink increases the chances of sexist thoughts by 63%.’
The Greens are expected this week to introduce a bill mandating a burka covering for all new sales of Barbie dolls by June 2017.
Photo by justin 
Photo by The U.S. Army