Welcome to the Zaky Mallah Show


The format for the new SBS variety show hosted by Zaky Mallah, to be imaginatively called ‘The Zaky Mallah Show’, has been leaked to XYZ, and we can now reveal the running sheet for the first episode.

imageThe show will have a community service focus, and seek to introduce Australians to a softer, gentler Zaky, who has promised management he will not wear his signature marijuana leaf cap. Zaky will take the audience through an interactive segment on ‘how to fill out your Centrelink form in Arabic,’ and provide some solid advice from his own experience on ‘how to make the ‘I’ word (Islamophobia) work for you’ in places such as shops, restaurants and when taking public transport. For this segment it is anticipated Keysar Trad will join Zaky in the studio.

It’s not all infotainment though. Keen to showcase the very best in Islamic extremism from the perspective of suburban Australia, music with culturally appropriate dance (i.e. none) will be provided by the Hizb ut-Tahrir choir, whilst the viewers poll is expected to be ‘Which female journalist would you like to see me bang on live TV?’ picking up the theme from one of Zaky’s signature tweets.

The finale is an interactive question and answer on ‘the Koran as interpreted and applied by ISIS,’ in which two young Islamic scholars will compete for the prize of a free trip, with flights and accommodation, to the southern border of Turkey. Featuring questions such as the correct length of the beard during Ramadan, and appropriate things to chant as homosexuals are thrown from the top of high buildings, the segment is sure to be a crowd pleaser, especially as the loser is ritually beheaded by the victor during the closing credits.

Zaky was said to be excited at the prospects of hosting his first show, and, when we caught up with him briefly, was wondering why the taxpayer funded Porsche van hadn’t turned up with his falafel and fries yet. SBS management refused to confirm or deny that they had outbid the ABC in securing Zaky’s services.