The wonders of modern science. Is there not a nightly newscast that passes by without some new study into the therapeutic effects of a rare plant growing in a remote region of the Amazon jungle (or insert here equivalent) being earnestly discussed? Or in which the latest study commissioned at great expense to the taxpayer confirms that those who drink four glasses of pineapple juice a day, instead of beer or wine, lower their risk of acquiring dementia later in life by 30% – well great, pass me a beer then. What’s next? That eating one banana a day may reduce my risk of being involved in a fatal car accident? Ever noticed how every story reporting the latest ground-breaking new study in this area features words like “might,” “maybe,” “believe,” “possibly”? in other words, we have no freaking idea either, but it’s getting us air time, and ticking boxes all over our annual grant applications.
Scientists are sort of like clergy in this strange new postmodernist world, so it’s bit like calling your parish priest a dickhead to, well, call the earnest type in the white robe solemnly telling us to eat more bananas, a dickhead. But that’s what I did, watching the latest report on the latest breakthrough scientific study that promised to prolong my life by several years, or prevent the onset of some condition I have never heard of and will probably never acquire, and… you’ve heard the narrative.
And then there are the po-faced doctors, with their thin lips and thick rimmed spectacles, trying to look as natural as they can in the hospital laboratory, or in some waiting room, as they look down the camera and gently advise the average citizen poised in front of their television, waiting for the news to end and this wanker to get off so the Footy show can start… that’s you and me, by the way… that you (me) are fat, if not obese, drink too much, don’t exercise enough, have endangered our grandchildren’s life by smoking as a youth, are too stupid to be let loose anywhere near a McDonalds or KFC, and… by the way… we need quite a bit more of your taxes so we can continue to run adds and appear on the news telling you that you are fat, if not obese, drink too much, don’t exercise enough, and… you get the drift of it.
It used to be that the killjoys and wowsers in white robes were priests. When did they become scientists and doctors? And why does the government listen to these blowhards, just because they can hang a stethoscope around their neck? What makes being a scientist or a doctor any better, or more noble, or more important, than other professions? All things being equal, plumbers and hookers are both inherently more useful occupations.
So punters, share this one if you’ve had enough of scientists and doctors hovering over you like a Death-Eater from the Harry Potter movies, sucking all the joy out of our lives. Show them your petronus. Go on…