Coopers Owners Declare They Love Big Brother, Offer to Help Round up More Humans


The owners of the Australian brewing company Coopers have rightly been forced to read a hastily-written public apology for using the Coopers label as a platform to hold a debate between two Liberal Party MPs on the issue of same-sex marriage. In the video, Mr and Mrs Cooper stated:

“Look, we’re sorry for everything. We know we did the wrong thing, and we’re sorry. We know there is stuff we don’t even know we did wrong, so we’re sorry for that too. We know we aren’t even doing this apology correctly either, but please, we’re sorry for that too.”

Understandably, this blatant exhibition of unconscious bias has been met with a flurry of reprimanding headlines from Fairfax, “17 examples of white privilege demonstrated in the Coopers apology video”, The Guardian, “23 reasons why grovelling apologies are not enough”, and the ABC, “It’s time for a national discussion on the top 38 reasons why Coopers should be nationalised”.

The Coopers owners continued:

“We love Big Brother, and we sincerely regret the hurt, trauma and inconvenience caused to the proletariat of the People’s Democratic Republic of Australia. We pledge our support to several organisations dedicated to the eradication of Christianity, because we are a company for all Australians. We welcome our new SJW overlords, and we would like to remind them that as trusted business owners, we can be helpful in rounding up other humans to toil in their underground sugar caves.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that an unpublished portion of footage has been lurking in the dark corners of the internet, where one of the Coopers owners bursts out, “Look please, you have to let us go! We have kids goddammit! You people are animals….” before being dragged off set.

The Coopers have not been seen since. The AFL is refusing to confirm or deny that they will be publicly disembowelled by Adam Goodes as a precursor to the opening round next weekend.