Jack Tilley
Malcolm Turnbull pulled off a stunning victory in the final week of parliament after he replaced the controversial back-packer tax with a much simpler fudge-packer tax.
“A fudge-packer tax is something that will benefit all Australians,” the PM said. “Particularly in another ten to twenty years when the Safe Schools program will start bearing fruits on an industrial scale.”
Mr Turnbull went on to describe how the new fudge-packer tax would not only fund the next dozen or so same-sex marriage campaigns and celebrations, it would also be used to ensure a new season of Pyne and Marles on Sky News next year. The mining sector is also expected to benefit: generous grants will enable struggling mining companies to re-tool and begin drilling for vegemite.
“Most importantly,” the PM continued, lowering his glasses to peer over them with Churchillian gravity, “the fudge-packer tax will encourage all Australians to become very, very agile.”
The coalition’s brilliant policy coup wasn’t without a few hiccups, however. Gillian Triggs announced that her Human Rights Commission will investigate the wording of the fudge-packer tax for possible breaches of 18C.
“Two people identifying as pillow-biters, and one shirt-lifter, have submitted complaints to the commission,” Ms Triggs announced. “They claim to have found the word ‘fudge’ insulting, and the word ‘packer’ to be humiliating, and they also felt intimidated by the hyphen between the two words.”
Penny Wong also took issue with the fudge-packing nature of the new tax, calling a press conference where she intended to expose a big hole. Unfortunately, before the senator could begin, Jacqui Lambie arrived, in a bad mood and with a greased forearm, and within five minutes everyone present owed the Tax Office enormous sums of money.
Photo by Sarah_Ackerman 