An XYZ investigation can confirm the truth of Australian of the Year David Morrison’s claim to be due for surgery in early December. The former army chief will undergo an operation to have his “guys” removed.
A surgeon from the Catherine McGregor Memorial Hospital has confirmed that the Lieutenant General’s situation will require a very delicate micro-surgery technique. “It’ll be like looking for a needle in a haystack,” said the surgeon, “but if he has any guy-gear whatsoever, we’ll find it and cut it off.”
The reclusive army commander was reluctant to talk to XYZ, claiming he was very busy exercising his privates, but he did briefly outline his journey toward such a brave and patriotic snip.
“Many years ago I attended an army bivouac just out of Hobart,” said the Lieutenant General, “and round the campfire one evening, Group Captain McGregor suddenly showed me her map of Tassie – it was an astonishing revelation. I felt I had seen the future of not only of the armed forces but of the entirety of Western Civilisation!”
Reaction has been mixed, but Noel Pearson said that he thought David Morrison would make an excellent
f—ing white c—.
Davidina Morrison has promised to give XYZ an exclusive first interview and photo shoot after he removes the last shrivelled vestiges of his phallic deadweight and attains the ethereal nirvana of guy-free enlightenment.
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Meanwhile, Senator Nick Xenophon has unveiled a new plan to restore reliable large-scale water flows to the Murray-Darling river system.
“I’m proposing that we have Sarah Hanson-Young take up a squatting position over the Murray-Darling Basin. It’s a big basin but Sarah’s a big girl with under-utilised water resources. Ever since she was removed from the Immigration portfolio, she’s been like a damn without a faucet — no tears, no pants-wetting… the poor girl needs release, so why not harness her capacious fluidity for all Australians?”
While Hanson-Young declined to comment on the Basin plan, Noel Pearson said that he thought it conjured up very stirring images of a f—ing white c—.
Photo by Adelaide Archivist 
