Following a review of the ABC’s flagship political affairs show Q&A, XYZ has learned that a new format for the popular program is to be implemented. Rather than conceal its political bias in undergraduate ‘gotcha’ moments, snide remarks from the chair, and the stacking of the panel and audience, the new format will see Q&A upfront and proud of its political culture, in a bid for transparency and integrity. From next week, XYZ has learned, the Q&A panel will be selected according to longstanding, but usually denied, ABC preferences and cause celebre:
The first panel in the new Q&A regime is to feature:
Fr Rod Bower of the Gosford Anglican Church: on ‘signs with changeable letters’ why every home should have one, and why I wished I had paid more attention in English classes at Primary School, especially those on spelling and the appropriate placing of apostrophes.
Khaloud Sharrouf*: on why and how ‘the West’ forced me to leave my life as an oppressed welfare recipient in Sydney and comp
elled me to take up arms for Islamic State, throw homosexuals off high towers, behead Syrian soldiers, and enslave Yazidi girls.
Tanya Plibersek: token Labour female
Edward Snowdon: on how betraying your country’s secrets and endangering its security, and the lives of those in its intelligence services, can make you an international media star too – so long as you enjoy Moscow on mild winter mornings at minus 40 celcius, and vodka
Malcolm Turnbull: because we have to have one of them on and he is the least offensive
Any employee of Newscorp or anyone from the IPA stupid enough to come on the show: because every show needs its villainous hate figure
The audience will reflect the diversity of modern Australia as understood by the ABC, and be comprised entirely of those attending the Melbourne University Socialist Alternative Monday evening barbecue on the south lawn – please note the special requests – no pork sausages, see the Queer Officer for Gay and Lesbian ‘safe’ spaces, consider ‘jazz hands’ if you must break into applause when one of our dear comrade’s speaks, and make sure you wear your &%$# Tony Abbot T-shirts.
In an innovative, but entirely appropriate, gesture, host Tony Jones will not be required to give a pretence of impartiality, but will endeavour to interrupt any panellist from the Coalition parties, and any Newscorp journalist or IPA employee, a minimum of twice per sentence, and will seek to set a new record for interruptions by intervening, not only mid sentence, but mid-syllable, with a riposte like the following – ‘Can I just bring you back to the question there, because I’d really like to get the audience jeering you at this point, and I’m under no obligation now to conceal my utter contempt for you and your views.’
The new format is to be renamed ‘Questions and Interruptions.’
* The producers wish to conform that, whilst Mr Sharrouf has taken part in armed conflict, in apparent war crimes, and posed for family photographs with the severed heads of enemy combatants, an extensive search of his social media profile confirms that there is no evidence whatsoever that he has ever sent a misogynist tweet.