A few days ago a 39 year old knife wielding maniac killed several people in a Sydney shopping mall. In an interview, his father said that his son hadn’t been able to get a girlfriend, which is presumably related to why all of his victims bar one were women, and most of those were on the higher end of the attraction scale. It looks like he had several other, say we say “challenges” in his life that might well have contributed to him going on such a murderous rampage.
But for purposes of this piece I want to concentrate on the possibility of him not being able to attract a woman of his choosing, and why this is indeed an issue for men, if they let it dominate their lives.
My good friend Giuseppe Filotto responded to my article where I answered the email question of a reader related to this very topic. Giuseppe does not agree with my appraisal, and thought it was not helpful.
It seems pretty clear to me this man’s depression would be gone if he had a hot woman that loved him dearly by his side. So, telling him that he needs to first conquer the world before he can get that woman is not going to help him get out of that rut.
It’s called putting the cart before the horse. You don’t attract a woman and then conquer the world; you conquer the world first and by doing that you might attract a woman that suits you. Or you might not. Deal with it.
But then I think that Giuseppe contradicts himself.
As for “doing things” and leaving a mark before you get the girl, sure, that is generally how it works out, but it’s wrong to think that is how you motivate yourself. The motivation is the other way round. You want the girl? So become someone worthy of whatever fantasy girl you have in your head.
Becoming worthy is conquering the world, which means making a man of yourself. But you have to understand that you can make a man of yourself but you’re still unable to find the woman that suits you. There are no guarantees, but if you do put the cart before the horse and fixate on finding a woman, then the success or failure of your entire life will be based on that and that alone, and often that is something that is not entirely under your control.
I am betting that our knife wielding maniac put the cart before the horse in this regard. And with each rejection his sense of worth would have slipped down yet another notch, and so it goes, until the act of being rejected is the most painful thing that anyone can endure; because it is not suffered in isolation, but rather as part of a continuing process of self inflicted humiliation.
But if you do put the cart before the horse and somehow you do get the girl? Then you are forever at the mercy of her leaving you. After all, your sense of self worth is based on the fact that you are with her. So if she leaves you, and she will because you have made her the center of your universe, then you’re in a far bigger world of pain than before.
The painting below is titled, “The Pioneer and the Vision” by N.C. Wyeth, c. 1918.
What it is not titled is, “Man Pining for Chick to Like Him”.
Originally published at Pushing Rubber Downhill. You can purchase Adam’s books here.