Vegemite banned due to history of blackface

Al Jolson was believed to have shipped crateloads of Vegemite in from Australia during the 1920’s.

Kraft has announced today that it will cease production of its signature product Vegemite, responding decisively to criticism by anti-racism activists on Twitter. A spokesperson for Kraft spoke to The XYZ:

“It has been brought to our attention that ever since its invention in 1922, white racists (but I repeat myself) have spread Vegemite on their faces to mock black people. Just like the comments section of an online blog, we can and should be held responsible for the way our customers use our product.

“It is for this reason that Kraft will cease all production of Vegemite. We will also destroy all the equipment used to make Vegemite, destroy the physical and online records of how to make it, and shoot anybody who knows the recipe.

“Furthermore, we have instructed all our employees to lick the boots of at least three black people, and we have donated 6 million dollars to Black Lives Matter.”

It is understood that the makers of Ozemite, Marmite and Nutella will soon follow suit. Scott Morrison has moved swiftly to ensure that racist Vegemite will never return to Australia, announcing in a press conference late in the afternoon:

“Australia is the most successful multicultural democracy in the world, and I intend to keep it that way. There is no room in this country for racism, and how good is the food. I just love a good curry. Curry is as Aussie as Don Bradman. I know heritage Australians probably voted for me thinking that I was going to protect their culture, but hey, I guess it sucks to be you.”

Asked what Aussies can spread on their toast instead of the now blacklisted (are we still allowed to use that term, guys, I mean, people????) Vegemite, the Kraft spokesperson said an alternative product would soon be released:

“We are putting together a product whose key ingredient is bullshit. We reckon most normies will swallow it whole. Because what the whole Black Lives Matter thing has been about, from the very start, is to force white people to eat shit and die.”

It’s your XYZ.