Food for thought – The tale of Holy Harold

2
Cartoon by Ryan Fletcher
Cartoon by Ryan Fletcher

[Author’s note: This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely a coincidence. Reader discretion for the mentally unstable]

Once upon a time there was a man named Harold.

Harold was born in London, and became an orphan at the age of 6 after his mother died. At the age of 25 he married a 15 year old named Deirdre. When Harold was 40 years old an angel appeared to him, telling Harold “you’re real special, bruv”. Harold would go on to have many “divine conversations” during the years to come.

Sadly at the age of 49 Harold’s uncle Frank (a local councillor) died, which incidentally left Harold out of favor with the council (as Harold was somewhat of a narcissistic hedonist that Frank routinely had to smooth over with his co-workers).

Thus Harold leaves for Sussex three years later. A year after arriving in Sussex, Harold received a message from God commanding him to travel around the area inciting locals to organise into the “divine defence force” and take on London.

With the aid of a golden telephone connected exclusively to God’s work phone, Harold proclaimed teachings condoning slavery, beheadings, stonings, hangings, amputations, violent lethal assaults, rape, child marriages, genital mutilation and floggings.

This “divine defence force” grew in size, waging a bloody campaign of murder and theft that consumed the entirety of the United Kingdom. Harold was considered a hero by his loyal legion of believers and became fondly known as “Holy Harold” or “The Revelator”.

By the time of his death Ol’ Harold had 13 wives and over 50 children, all of which he trained to be highly skilled assassins.

Now the moral to this story is that insanity may be relative but it sure as heck can be contagious as well.

Food for thought.